Total Atyachaar

It was a weekend... and somewhere into the mid of the second month after marriage.

Dheet, the husband, was enjoying his videogame while his wife Rondi was hanging clothes outside to dry in the Sun. And:

The very next day:

And the next day:

Rondi seems to have had enough. She is hellbent now. And... the next day:

Dheet is tired of seeing her cry. So, he decides he'll get up and do it the moment she asks him. He won't make her say it so many times. And so, the next day:

He's sick of this thing now. So, he just does it the next day without her needing to remind him. And then:

God! This has become tough for Dheet now. No matter what he does, Rondi keeps crying. He decides he'll give another go. He will do it properly this time. And so:

WTF!!! ^$%$&*@#&*@

Dheet is pissed off now. He is doing everything... and still, he's been made to feel guilty. The next day, he decides to do the damn thing again... and not talk about it. 

He does as planned. Rondi sees this... and:

...and no, am not speaking from personal experience

...biwi maaregi

Expressions Depressions

I have a problem.

I watch a lot of movies in theaters. But that is of course not the problem.

The problem is - I don’t know what face to put while coming out of the movie hall. I have tabulated my situations below:

Situation	I Found the Movie	Thoughts that Were Going on in My Head	Expression on My Face
1	Good	I liked the movie. But what if others didn’t? If I smile and move around, will people think I am below average intelligence? …and so much below that I ended up liking something like that? Shit – I don’t have to make a fool of myself being happy about watching something others may not have liked.	Stupid + Giggling (Balancing my happiness about watching the movie with the intention to not look like a fool to have liked the movie no one else did.)
2	Average	The movie was ok-ok. Just about a one-time watch maybe. But… If I show happiness, half of the people will find me crazy… …and If I show sadness, the other half may develop perceptions. I don’t want either. I could try keeping a normal face.	Stupid + Trying to put a poker face (Pretending to be normal after watching a normal movie… when in reality I feel just as normal I am trying to pretend to be. So, the pretending part makes me look stupid now.)
3	Crap	The movie was shit. I am sure all of us realize that we have been fooled. Now where do we go from here? And how do we face each other? What reaction to give? What expression to carry on face?  Smiling like ‘oops-I-too-got-fooled-watching-this-piece-of-shit-movie’ would amount to absolute stupidity. Better to keep the head lowered and walk off. Do not make eye contact with anyone—not even your partner.	Absolutely Stupid (Scared of making eye contact with people… just trying to find the way out of the hall with head lowered and eyes on the ground.)
4	Crap…  BUT Liked by Others (and I know that by the laughter and the overall atmosphere)	Why were they laughing throughout the movie? Why do they seem so happy? Did I miss something? Why am I not on the same page? Not again… I am out of place!	Stupid (Because I am trying to look cool and gel into the crowd… when I feel like a fool to have watched something like that.)

So, no matter how good, bad, or average a movie I watch, I come out of the hall looking like a stupid. 

And that’s my problem.

Sallu ke Ullu

Salman Khan,

Hello brother. I wanted to tell you something, and I hope you and your bodyguards are ready for it.

You must be really happy these days. You have given hits after hits and broken records after records.

Let’s see – Wanted, Dabangg, Ready, Bodyguard… and coming up are projects such as Ek Tha Tiger. Of course, we know how this ek tiger would perform; don’t we?

Ok, time for a question. Did you watch bodyguard? Once, at least? Were you able to sit through? Did you feel like renaming it to torture?

Personally, I think I was better off watching the itchguard advertisement 300 times than Bodyguard once.

 vs

I think you know what I am going to talk about here. In hearts of hearts, don’t you know you’ve been selling crap to us for a couple of years now? And to top it all, you’ve been taking all the laurels in your state-of-the-art manliness.

However, in reality, any person with worthy intelligence can make out what you are doing.

Here’s the deal – you will portray yourself as a larger-than-life person, crack some stupid jokes, sing some good songs, walk like a maniac, and kick some ass… Oh yeah, then you will realize you forgot to add a story to the whole damn thing. And so what will you do then? You will put on your being human t-shirt and go to some TV serials… followed by random interviews elsewhere… and release the movie! And of course, it will sell!

Why?

After all, you have been able to gather a huge fan base that calls you bhai. Bullshit, bhai!

To serve you the starters – your movies, especially Bodyguard, are crappy! Let me rephrase it for you – in reality, you’ve been giving us shits after shits… And your shits are devoid of any sense and logic.

 

Do you know how expensive are movie tickets these days? An outing with one’s spouse to a PVR or DT Cinema is about 1.5 to 2k easily. Of course, that is plus the food and drinks that are consumed. In fact, it is worth noting that on days I watched your recent movies, food was the best thing that happened to me.

 Now! Don’t you think you ought to give us some good movies in return?

I know you are basking in glory for now; but, trust me, it won’t be long before people realize you’re just toying with them. Yes, you are actually taking your fans for granted.

Now, you might want to say that you are making masala movies… and public loves masala movies. But Salluji, you cannot sell crap in the name of masala movies. Can you?

If, in Bodyguard, you were not the hero… but, let’s say it were Saifu bhai. Do you know how badly the film would have done? Do you think a Saifu-starrer Ready or even Bodyguard would have sold? Ghanta.

Anyways, let’s not talk about Saifu Bhai for now. I’m sure he’s already pissed with you and Aamir. You guys took his girl and made your big sellers – Bodyguard and 3 Idiots... whereas, he doesn’t get any opportunities… and the limited ones he gets are only through the presence of the quota system.

Everyone knows you are the difference. And why are you the difference? Because of the fans. So, don’t you think you should give something more meaningful to these fans?

Your movie Dabangg won the best film award in Filmfare last year. I agree it was entertaining... but not the best that year. But again, that’s a personal opinion. Oh! On that note, this whole post is a personal opinion. Anyways.

Bodyguard was imbecile. Trust me. Don’t be happy it has done good business. In reality, your fans took money from their pockets and gave it to you. Keep it.

If you like being human, be human to you fans as well.

Yours,

The Spot Next to Me

Aerobics… a girl thing! Oh really?

In my gym… rather in the gym I go to, a small section had been reserved for ladies and their aerobic exercises. I know I am calling it a section, but it was hardly one. It was just an area in the middle of the gym, uninhabited by machines and all.

There were about 6-7 women, ladies, girls, whatever you call them… and a guy… who did aerobics there. Actually, let’s just call them girls because the guy used to be me. ‘Me and girls’ sounds cooler.

Okay, so, coming back to myself… while some men were seen pumping their bodies with weights and overweights… pushing ups and pushing downs… and while others were on treadmill and cross trainers… I’d be seen doing my jigs with the girls on aerobics.

While they flexed their biceps and other muscles I didn’t know existed, I’d be dancing around doing salsa-like moves partnering my obesity.

Needless to say, Indian men that they were, most of them looked at me in ‘what’s-wrong-with-this-fatso’ kinds of stares. They looked at me between their reps… between their rests… between their walks… and even runs. And at other times as well.

And on some days, people even misconstrued me for the aerobic ball.

Or maybe they didn’t…? And I was just thinking too much? Well, for the moment, let’s just take my side and assume that they did. Whatever! As if it reroutes the story I’m telling you.

At this end, I just tried to make it look like it was completely normal—for a fat guy to jump around like that… matching steps with beats of dhikchoo dhikchoo numbers.

And to be honest, I believed it was. I still do.

Okay, now, why am I telling you about this aerobic stuff?

Actually, my intention is not to tell you about what went on outside the aerobic group… but inside. I want to talk about something that happened between me and the girls. Do I hear you saying ‘wow’ already?

Okay, so, since the first class, my spot had been fixed. The trainer had told me where to stand ‘always’ for all classes. Probably, considering the risk this truck would pose, while moving around, to the cars nearby, he was just being prudent to keep it at the corner of the road. Most probably. Or maybe he just wanted me to have more space for my free manly movements. Needless to say, this spot of mine happened to be at the corner of our so-called aerobics section.

Sounds cool till now.

Now, I used to reach gym at 7 and do my warm-ups… while the girls came in around 7:20-25, just 5-10 minutes before the start of our class.

Which is where my problem started.

There was a strange thing happening every day. It had even started killing the curious cat in me. Consider my query now – ‘why the hell were the girls hell bent on getting the single possible spot next to me?’

No, seriously. Whoever entered first would just go and take that spot on a first-come-first-serve basis. Two of them even fought over it on a particular day. At this end, I used to have a new person next to me almost every other day.

Why god, why?

Not that it helped me with anything… our exercises did not involve physical contact with partners. But it made me curious. I even compared the whole thing with the solar system one day. The big sun being static and planets moving around it… but it didn’t actually compare. That’s because no one moving around me. I was just the Pluto right at the corner, not even proportionately sized to other planets, come to think of it.

So, I was curious. Were they interested in standing next to me? Oops, I have to control this sheepish smile I got at the moment.

Oh, mind you—I was not in talking terms with the girls… so there was no way of confirming what exactly it was about.

Anyways, I thought and thought and thought a lot… and came up with the following:

1.      I smelled good… this was very likely because Nike had obviously researched and invested a lot in making the deodorants I used.

2.      Two, probably, someone from the group liked me. Duh! I mean the male in me said that to me. They used to smile at me. If that justifies my thought process. Nevertheless, it was the typical male saying typical stuff, I know.

I discarded the first option and decided to play along with the second. After all, at least, I was male enough to think like males… compensating for the time I was not male enough to work out like males. And this male kept saying cute little things in my ears. I smiled.

And so, days passed… turned into a couple of weeks. And we continued exercising with the same old routine—me and the girls, me static and them ‘desperate’ to take the spot next to me.

I had even started wondering who were the girls that liked me… rather who I wanted them to be… Wow, look at me, talking only in plurals for the moment.

I knew this trivia could not go on for long. And I had to do something. How could it continue to happen the way it did? A girl rushing for that spot... upsetting those who couldn’t.

So… one day, I finally decided to ask! Who knows I might have been governed by the possibility of finding leads on the girls who liked me.

It took some courage, but I did ask one of them.

And all that the girl I asked… said… ‘coz of the fan’. I hadn’t noticed that the spot next to me was directly under the fan.

Dear Indian Cricket Team

I know that you have caused terrible pain in chests of people like myself--over the last two months. You have lost, lost, and lost. Probably, tosses are all you may have won.

And your so-called fan base might have resorted to depletion... I don't know. But I know. They'll come back. Indians forget easily and way too quickly.

The 4-0 drubbing in tests against England was as unbelievable as... probably... England beating someone 4-0 in tests.

Day on day, we sunk into what would be a tar-filled drum with no bottom. And match after match, we watched you guys with rekindled hopes. But then you lost again, and we slept again.

We lost the rank 1 in tests... lost our 'test champions' status... lost our goddamn Indian izzat. Haha. But then came the t20 and ODI stage, and we woke up again.

The damn t20! Aaah. That would be a t20-volt jolt to our drenched hearts. Another loss. And we slept again.

Well, still, we woke up and geared up for the ODIs--wurrld champions we were, you see.

So, having spent 10 more days in agony, we now see you trailing 2-0 with 2 matches to go. Ahem! That obviously means you can't win the series. Ahem! And win the series bullshit; you don't seem to be winning a match for now.

Okay. So, why am I writing all this worldly news here?

Ah! Well, because I love you. And I want to tell you that I support you whole-heartedly. And, as I tell others, I support you unconditionally.

If 4 years ago I were told that my team would give me so much happiness over the course of next 4 years... all those world cup wins... test series wins... ODI wins... and blah blah wins... BUT only to be followed by a damn beating in England... a once-in-a-lifetime jhaapad.... err, I would have taken it!

And so I take it.

Marreceptooning

Of course I was busy:

Marrying...

Receptioning...

                                   & Honeymooning...

...and am back to the blog now!

Best Day

...and that's how I looked on the best day of my life

...2nd April'11, when we won the world cup!



Change

SHAMpoo!

There was this new company called Marle-G. It manufactured shampoos, and the first brand it came up with was named Heads & Balders.

Psst: It was meant for their Indian customers.

Well, okay!

And like other brands, Marle-G had been successfully able to identify the advertising strategy that worked best with us (stupid Indians).

The strategy? What strategy?

Okay, think no more. How about taking a look at what Marle-G actually did?

Their 1st Advertisement: They began by introducing the product and claiming how it was the best thing around. They even declared the product to be bringing about a revolution in hair care.

'For all types of hair... the solution is here', they said.

Surprisingly, or rather not surprisingly, at the end of the advertisement, somewhere, somehow, it said, 'From Marle-G... serving you since 1930'.

1930? What? WTF, actually?

Really! How come they have been serving us since 1930 when they have just recently begun their operations... at least in India?

If you ask me - it's just another company trying to sell its shitty product to us. There are hundreds of other companies doing just that... to us since long... and claiming to be in existence since longer.

Anyways, the story moved on.

Their 2nd Advertisement: This probably got aired 6 months after the first one.

Herein, Marle-G claimed 'a new and improved Heads & Balders... exclusively for the Indian hair'.

And yet again, it was the best shampoo around; they said again.

Okay! Does this mean the product was not really the 'best' the first time around? As they claimed in the last advertisement? How come there was an improvement on something that was already best?

Their 3rd Advertisement: A couple of months later, Marle-G came up with the next advertisement for Heads & Balders. This one looked more aggressive in nature.

They said, 'The New Heads & Balders... with xyriporithomenum...'

Aha! Xyriporithomenum!

Now what the fuck is that? An average Indian wouldn't know what it is. Why engage us in this jargon?

Their 4th Advertisement: This was their last advertisement for the year.

O hell! They said that the new Heads & Balders was now coming with the OQ protection that other shampoos didn't.

Man! They even showed other shampoo bottles in a blurred-but-easily-recognizable way on TV.

God! I definitely need this OQ protection. But before that could you tell me what it does for my hair? Bullshit, I think!

Anyways. A year has passed since the launch of this product. They have done well and captured a market share. Mission accomplished.

They bloody kept claiming to have changed the shampoo the whole year... but we couldn't change the channel once.

सूअर के बच्चे

सूअर के बच्चे करने लगे सड़क पार,

अचानक तभी आ गई एक कार,

सूअर ने दूर से देखा, पाया खुद को लाचार,

पर वो कार न रुकी... थी तेज़ उसकी रफ़्तार,

दो बच्चे कुचले गए, हुए मृत करार,

सूअर के तो दिल में जैसे पड़ी एक दरार,

शायद जीवन से अब उसने मान ली थी हार,

नज़र नहीं आ रहे थे कोई ख़ुशी के आसार,

लगा उसको ऐसा सदमा, वो गया एक BAR,

गटागट चार बीयर पी उसने, और फिर मारी डकार,

और नशे मे आत्महत्या का वो करने लगा विचार,

जीवन को कहना चाहता था टाटा, और मौत को नमस्कार,

पर अगले ही दिन सूअर को मिला यह समाचार,

कि ड्राईवर को पुलिस ने कर लिया गिरफ्तार,

सूअर हुआ बेहद खुश, किया उसने श्रृंगार,

और पास के एक होटल गया, होटल चमत्कार,

आर्डर किया उसने... एक प्लेट पोर्क, रोटी, और अचार,

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वेटर बोला, सूअर सर, हमको दीजिये minutes चार,

दो छोटे सूअर फ्रेश है, हुए थे एक गाड़ी के शिकार,

कढ़ाई में डालके हो जाएंगे आपके लिए तैयार|

सांड का कांड

वज़न हो गया था हमारा 90 किलो, बदन था बड़ा मोटा,
जो भी कपड़ा अलमारी में दिखा, वह निकला हमको छोटा,

यहाँ बचपन जा रहा था, तो वहां जवानी छा रही थी,
पर कॉलेज में सैक्सी लड़किया हमको नहीं बुला रही थी,

खैर... कौन देखेगा ऐसे गैंडे को, यह मैने सोचा,

जिम करूँ या जौग्गिंग, दिमाग में हुआ लोचा,

चला मै फ़िर जिम की तरफ़, बनाके इरादा,

सिक्स पैक एब्स चाहिए अब, न कम न ज़्यादा,

जिम तो मै जाने लगा, पर हो गयी थी एक दुविधा,

बाहर एक रेड़ी वाले ने, की थी गन्ने के रस की सुविधा,

फ़िर क्या था...

हम रोज़ जिम गए, और रोज़ पीया जूस,

गलती कर रहे थे बड़ी, हुआ न महसूस,

महीने के बाद जब वज़न चेक किया, मन में लेके आस,

यह क्या? वज़न तो हमारा हो चला था सौ किलो के पास,

हाय राम... मै लुट गया... मै हो गया बर्बाद,

सारे मोटे गैंडे अब मुझे कहने लगेंगे उस्ताद,

सोचा दुनिया त्याग देंगे, ख़त्म होगी टेंशन,

धरती पे होगा बोझ कम, और बचेगा थोड़ा राशन,

रस्सी बांधी पंखे पे, अलविदा कह रहे थे हम,

जैसे ही गला बांधके लटके, आवाज़ आई...

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धड़म!

The Parking Slip Fraud

Hey!

You in Delhi? You drive? You park your car? You pay for the parking?

Well, the chances are, you may have, at some point, paid more than what you needed to. There is this new fraud happening in Delhi; and it's being done by the parking wallas.

Now let me explain.

Let's first look at the slip that we are handed (below). This is the most common format of parking slips in Delhi... only the name of the place changes and the rest usually remains same.

Now... if one were to give a cursory look at the slip to find out the 'price' for car, he/she would probably identify it to be Rs 30. Remember, it's a cursory look I am talking about.

And why 30? Of course, because we read from left to right and the number probably comes after the item it represents.

But but but! That's not the case!

This 30 here is for tempo (if you notice, there is no number next to tempo and 30 belongs to tempo). Moreover, that 10 is for car (as opposed to what it looks like at the moment being next to sct or scooter).

And what are these parking wallas doing? Well, they say that 30 is the rate for parking a car for full day... and 20 is the charge for any thing less than full day. So, eventually, they end up charging us 20 bucks... for something that is only 10.

That's plain cheating!

And you know why I say that? Because every damn slip is cut in a manner that shows 10 next to Sct and 30 next to Car. Trust me, it's a neat cut they have been making.

In reality, just before that Sct, there is a 5, which represents the charge for parking a scooter/bike. However, these guys take it off the slip while cutting.

And trust me again when I say that this is happening at a LOT of places in Delhi. It's like the parking mafia in operation.

I caught the thing in first go and asked the particular attendant to show me the whole slip... he smiled, and said 'aap dus hi de do' (you give me 10 only).

I am sure many of us did not/do not realize this thing's been happening and are actually paying more to these frauds.

Read your slip carefully the next time, please!

Ess A Mess

Mind blowing!

Happy new year bodies. Good to see you. This is my first post for 2011 and what better to do than crib. Yeah yeah, c.r.i.b, it is!

I think it will be my phone today. Let me take you through a couple of uncanny features it offers. For starters, it's a Sony phone.

And in the SMS section, there are two particular features:

• Next Word Suggestion - It means what it should mean. While typing an SMS, the phone suggests 'next' word(s) and it is on my discretion whether or not I want to take it (the suggestion of course).
• Full Word Suggestion - Here, while typing an SMS, if I start writing a word, the phone tries to complete it. I think it searches its memory and tries to guess what I may have written. I hear that my previously written SMSes contribute a lot to its memory base.

Sound good? Please don't say stuff like 'ah, it's a common feature', because I don't know other phones. And mind you, the above features don't concern the T9 thing. That's a separate thing all together.

Now then, as cool or comfortable the features sound, they often end up irritating me.

To elaborate... If I write any sentence and end it with a period (full stop), the phone automatically and probably conveniently adds a com after the full stop.

Which basically means my messages look like this:
a. Hey, am leaving for office.com
b. Please reach on time.com
c. blah blah blah.com

Got my point? Many a times, I am in a hurry and click the send button only to realize the presence of that .com in the message that I just sent. Irritating!

Let me think of more.... oh, yeah!

The name of my manager is Gurpreet... and, the moment I type Gur, this bloody phone changes it to... Gurkha.

wtf.

I must have changed this gurkha into gurpreet so many times but the phone does not remember. Dumb ass, I say.

Then, there are occasions when this thing throws up such weird weird sentences as suggestions. Gosh, they dont even mean a shit. Example - If I am typing am going... the phone changes it to am going hm.woh

Ya ya, that is it! What would that mean? Ghanta!

You know something... I can't possibly list all that this phone does. But am sure you get the point.

I know I have been harsh with the lovely features... and so I take this opportunity to tell you about the best thing about the two features - you can turn em off.