Sunday, August 30, 2009

Appu Ghar (gaye tum kidhar?)

Appu Ghar! Ah! That name brings some smiles! It'll always will. Appu Ghar was such a cool part of our childhood (mostly Delhiites). It always remained an exciting prospect... always!

It's sad that Appu Ghar had to be closed down.

Anyways. I was missing Appu Ghar today... so I decided to publish a poem that I wrote more than 11 years ago (in class 8). It's about my erstwhile favorite ride at Appu Ghar, The Appu Columbus.
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I bought a ticket for rupees ten,
For the ride I enjoyed the most,
It was the ride of Appu Columbus,
And if I tell the truth, you’ll say I boast,

After waiting for some time, when my chance came,
The ticket checker checked my ticket, and asked my name,
I said Kshitij and jumped on to the seat,
Then I was asked to belt my feet,

When the Columbus came into motion,
I became happy, with lots of emotion,
All the people were happy, they loved the swing,
And from their faces, it looked like they wanted to sing,

When the swing went down on its way,
I thought I was on a ship, travelling in a bay,
And when the swing went up in the sky,
I thought my heart was escaping, saying bye bye,

And when the swing came to rest,
I said to myself, that ride was the best,
I bought another ticket for rupees ten,
And decided to ride the Columbus again.

Kshitij – 1998
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PS: Now I'm wondering why did that ticket checker ask my name. Any thoughts?

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Annoying Meeee... So Easilyyyy

Hey. This time, I am going to talk about some things that annoy me. There are these things that I really do not understand. Some observations on my fellow Indians:

  • Showing so much love for the movie Sholay - O hell! Go to Orkut and import the fav movies data. Sholay will figure in every 3rd Indian's profile. I mean... what the $%&&$? See, the movie was nice... but did it really deserve this much? I know some Sholay fans are going to throw stones at me. However, take it this way - I had to create a blog, posts some 12 articles in order to get an audience... and finally... when I had some readers... I wanted to say, Sholay isn't that big a deal. There are so many better movies around. Go find them. Get rid of this vox populi.

  • Sounding 'asleep' on phone when someone wakes you up - Tring tring, heeeelllollloowwwww! You recognise that? That's a person who's doing his best to sound asleep. We do it all the time. Somone calls up early in the morning, and we drag eeeeeach and eeevvvveeerrrryyyy word to the core. Moreover, the deplorable tone we support it with... is disgusting. It's all fake. We could easily sound close-to-normal even a second after being awoken. We just don't make the effort.

  • Making the person on other end listen to your conversations with people around you - I can't tell you how much I hate it. You call a friend and start a conversation. Suddenly, this friend needs to talk to a person around him/her. So, basically, your friend needs to talk to someone about something that you shouldn't know, right? But, what does your friend do? He/she does best to let you know of everything that's going on. And how, by not moving the receiver away from his/her mouth... and it's like he/she is still talking to us. I ask why? Why should I hear that stuff? I don't want it in my life.

  • Watching 'Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi episode', where Mihir died + Uphaar Border Show - Now, how is it possible that everybody watched that episode? You ask anyone and he/she watched it. What crap. This crap has an equivalence to another crap - People claim they were in the Uphaar Cinema watching Border just before the tragedy occurred. Some even say their show was next. How is it possible that everybody had some sort of connection with it? Really! Those who don't claim tickets... will say, Yaar, hum vahi jaane ka soch rahe the. Achcha hua PVR chale gaye. God is great. And you are a great loser!

  • Cutting cake on birthday - O come on! I know it is nice to do so... but why make it indispensable? Why can't a birthday (especially adults) be marked complete without the act of stabbing a birthday cake? I know you guys must be thinking what a lone life loser I am... but that's that! I like the idea of cakes... but they should not be undispensable. Although, I admit, cakes do serve a good purpose—can't think of a gift? Go to the bakery!

  • Asking about the honeymoon destination - Do you want to accompany them? You want to be IN the action? Why the hell you keep asking where the couple's going for the honeymoon? Will you not attend the marriage if it turns out to be a sad choice of place? Is that the only thing you want to know? Are you crazy?

  • Wanting to learn to play guitar - Of the sum total learners, 90% learn just to show off. They don't want to make music—they just want to go to Barrista and play. A party will also do. Just learn two or three Hindi/English songs and you're there! What's the big deal in guitar?

  • Showing a hatred for emotional movies (males only) - Come on! Everyone of us watches nice senti movies. We even cry. What's so non manly about admitting it? Why hate Sharukh so much (he's my fav)? Be a man! Admit it! Noone will doubt your manliness if you're heard of talking about these movies.

That was my take. There must be more... but I penned some of the ones that came to my immediate mind.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Happy to You

I have this crazy observation. It's related to the time people are wished on their birthdays. As per my observation - "The point of time when a person receives his/her first set of birthday wishes keeps changing. Moreover, this 'time' is proportionate to the age of this person."

Now, let me try to explain. I am 100% sure I will make 0% sense to you, but I want to try. PS: This is for an Indian male only.

I am taking example of this guy Agyaan who was born on 12th November. Here are my observations on his life:

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  • Agyaan's 10th birthday - His first wishes (actually semi-wishes) arrive on 9th November (three days before the birthday) itself. His mom dad tell him, "Beta ji, aapka toh birthday aa raha hai. Kya gift chahiye hamare laal ko?"

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  • Agyaan's 15th birthday - His first wishes arrive on 11th November at 10 PM. Mom says, "Kal toh birthday hai janab ka... arrey nahi... abhi bas do ghanto mei hi hai."

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  • Agyaan's 20th birthday - His first wishes arrive on 11th November at 11:58 PM. His friend Jigya calls him on the phone. She says, "Yo. I wanted to be the first one to wish... so I called before anyone else could."

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  • Agyaan's 25th birthday - His first wishes arrive on 12th November at 12:30 AM. His friend Geeta calls him on his phone. She says, "Hey, I thought everyone would be calling you at 12. So, I thought I'd call a little later."

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  • Agyaan's 30th birthday - His first wishes arrive on 12th November at 8 AM. His friend Beena calls him up on his phone. Beena and all other Agyaan's friends think it's not the age anymore to call at 12 AM on birthdays.

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  • Agyaan's 40th birthday - His first wishes arrive on 12th November at 7 PM. His wife Sujata completely forgot about her hubby's birthday. She says, "Happy birthday ji. I am sorry I forgot. Let's go out for dinner."

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  • Agyaan's 50th birthday - His first wishes arrive on 13th November 2:00 PM. His wife Sujata calls him on his office phone. She says, "Aji.. I am sorry. Kal toh aapka birthday tha. Aapne bataya kyo nahi. Abhi maine newspaper mei date dekhi toh yaad aaya."

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  • Agyaan's 60th birthday - His first wishes arrive on 29th November at 11:00 AM. His wife Sujata wishes him. She says. "Abhi mahine ka akhbaar ka bill aaya toh yaad aaya iss mahine toh aapka birthday tha. He he he, aap bhi bhool gaye the na?"

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  • Agyaan's 70 birthday - No wishes.

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So, as I noticed, the time for wishes keeps changing. And... it has some relation with the age. Now, after I have made no sense at all, I request you to forgive and forget. I will come up with my humor story to make up for this. lol.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Ambulance Turbulence

Hi, I am calling from 245, Punchmeal Park, near the Round gol chakkar. This is emergency; my brother has a lot of pain in the chest. We suspect it's a heart attack. Please come over quickly. (Hangs up)
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Mr. Gilgit had a mild heart attack! Strong or mild, a heart attack is a heart attack. The ambulance has reached in time and Mr. Gilgit is being rushed. I suspect he'll be okay. But who cares what I suspect. Alright, the status check tells me the hospital is about 12 kms away, and they might encounter some traffic.

At the same time, there are atleast 2 drivers on the MG road who are sick of this traffic... this life... they just want to end this daily piece of torture... but, as a matter of fact... that's what they think everyday, in traffic. Don't worry. They're harmless, just irritated souls.

Soon, there is a wooooooooooooooo woooooooooooooo wooooooooooo woooooooooo whooooooooooo on the MG road. The traffic makes way for the ambulance to pass. Most of the drivers giving way have this happy feeling—they think they did their share for the humanity.

At the same time, those 2 pissed-off drivers I told you about see an opportunity. They want to follow the ambulance like it's shadow. You know, people will give way to the ambulance and these gentlemen, too, will be able to scramble through easily. Isn't it normal? Well, that's quite normal on Delhi roads. Where there's an ambulance, there are multiple people behind it immeditely.

Coming back to the situation. These 2 drivers chase the ambulance. A split second saves them from crashing into each other. But, who wants to give up? Who wants his ego hurt? So, they are both trying to throw each other off the ambulance's trail. Stiff competition I must say. Nasty stares and nastier abuses. This is huge. They act as if they both have a relative inside that woooooooo van. And the one who manages to stay closer to the ambulance; his relative survives.

Let's now add to the situation. I see a 3rd car attempting to do what the 1st and the 2nd are doing. Let's say the 3rd driver cherishes the spot behind the ambulance equally.

Status check, 3 kms to the hospital and the ambulance is being dearly chased by 3 cars... rest of the traffic giving way to the ambulance... and feeling good about it.

Continuing with the tussle saga, apparently, one of the first two drivers has claimed the real estate behind the van, while the other is still trying hard, while the third (new entrant) is struggling to match pace. Meanwhile, Mr Gilgit is feeling better, unaware of the things his state caused... rather, causing.

Status check:
Car 1 - Ha ha ha. Take that you piece of shit. Now, you must follow your daddy, me.
Car 2 - Fuck... I really need to beat this a$$ h*** now.
Car 3 - I need to be quick. I wish these guys moved away.
Ambulance Driver (singing with the radio) - Bidi jalai le....
Mr. Gilgit - O God, will I survive? Forgive me for my sins, if any.
Car 4, 5 and 6 (random cars nearby) - O god, please bless the patient. look at these f%$^ chasing the ambulance.
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Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeechhhhhhh... booooooooooom... thuddddddddddddddd... bhadhaaaaaam.... dhadhaaaaam...

Cars 1 and 2 have collided. Car 3 has crashed into car 2. Car 4 has gone into car 3. Car 5 has just managed to save itself from the mess. Car 7 (another random car) is being driven by a psycho who's extremely happy at the sight of a live accident. Cars 8 onwards are keen on watching the follow-up action.

Isn't it obvious what the follow-up action is? My guess is car 1 and 2 will beat the hell out of each other. Car 4 will kick car 3's ass. Something similar happens. Total mess.
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At the hospital... Mr Gilgit has just been admitted. The doctor is looking for Gilgit's family members to fill the admission form.

Noone's around.

They were last seen sitting in car 3, trying to get as close to the ambulance as possible... but unfortunately crashed into another car... and got engulfed in a chain reaction of accidents.

Shit!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Muhavre Time

On special request from someone special, I am putting another quiz. This one is much easier. I have drawn some literal representations of muhavres (Hindi proverbs). Try and identify them; have fun.

Please do not look at the comments column before you do your round of guessing; someone may already have answered by the time you visit, and you may lose interest.

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


6.


7.


8.
0
9.
o
10.

11.


12.
That's it! I hope you enjoyed.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Type KLPD and Send to 55*420

There is a contest where you need to SMS the answer to some random 5-digit number to win prizes. Well, you send the SMS... expect a prize... but all you get is a price... anything between Rs. 3 and 5 per SMS. This money you spent is profit for the contest holder. In the time left before you die, you will not get to know who won. Actually, no one won... except for the contest holder.
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Meet Babban Ltd; they sell insurance policies. Their second line of profit-making ventures is to hold SMS contests. Let's look at their strategy for earning through SMSes. Here is what they do in July (PS: Radio is where all this %$@^# happens).
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They start with a normal gk question.
o
5th July, 3PM, Radio: Hello listeners. Babban Ltd. presents before you the Mast Mast Jhakaas contest. You need to tell us the capital of Australia. The options are:

- Trinidad and Tobago (A)
- Canberra (B)
- Spain (C)
o
Type A/B/C and send you response to 50505. The winner will get a free air tickets from Babban Ltd.
o
They did not even bother to describe the place the aeroplane was going to take the winners to. Anyways, so it happens that Babban gets an ok kind of response. Despite a number of correct responses, no one wins. No one was even supposed to.

Now, they want more SMS money. So, 5 days later, they put in a simpler question for the next contest.
o
10th July, 4PM, Radio: Hi listeners. The air tickets of previous winners are well on their way. It's time for a new quiz... time for more people to get lucky. Babban Ltd. ka general knowledge of bollywood contest haazir hai. You need to tell us the word that has been replaced in the song by a beep. Here is your song - Chak de, BEEEEEEEP de Indiaaaa.... The options are:

- Chak (A)
- Chaak (B)
- Chaalaak (C)

Type A/B/C and send you response to 50505. Lucky participant will get a free head massage from Babban Ltd.

Ok. They get better response this time. However, still no winners. Who cares.

But, as expected, they want more SMS money now. So, they put in another absurd question. This time the number of responses expected is much higher. This is because in this question, other options may not even make sense.
o
18th July, 6PM, Radio: Hello, hi to all the listeners. Hmmm, I am sure the winners of last contest are enjoying the head massage. All those who did not win, here is your chance. Babban Ltd, the great insurers, present to you the Angoolimaal Kaun contest. All you have to do is answer this simple question. Who is the relative of Rajesh Khanna:

- Dimple Kapadia (A)
- Simple Kapadia (B)
- Pimple Kapadia (C)
- Triple Kapadia (D)
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Type A/B/C/D and send you response to 50505. Lucky participant will get free movie tickets from the one and only, Babban Ltd.
o
Ridiculous! As expected, people respond in good numbers. Babban makes good money of this deal too. I hate it; really.

Next, the month is drawing close, and as expected, Babban wants more money. Did you realize that in this entire post Babban keeps wanting more money? Their targets have to be met, you see. So, they are ready with the next and last contest for the month.
o
25th July, 8PM, Radio: Hey all you lovely listeners. It's time you not only listen to radio but watch TV as well. Here is a contest that will help you win a free TV. The contest is sponsored by Babban Ltd, the only insurance company to have offices in all the 9 continents. All you need to do is answer this question. Which is the only insurance company in the world to have offices in all the 9 continents?

- Chaggan Ltd.
- Baingan Ltd.
- Babban Ltd.
o
Type A/B/C and send you response to 50505. Lucky participant will get a TV from Babban Ltd, the only insurance company to have offices in all the 9 continents.
o
This has really become disgusting now. People keep SMSing, and their money keeps flowing in. Babban has met its targets; we must be really crazy for that to happen.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Reporting Earthly Matters

Meet Mr. Dadam.


Mr. Dadam's address is - 11th Paradise Bungalow, Angels and Laymens, Opposite Godly Park, Heaven. Absolutely! Mr Dadam resides in heaven.
o
You know, every year, god sends some people (fully grown-ups) to earth to perform specific tasks. Dadda, as I would call him here on, was one of the privileged people to have been sent by god to earth this year. Objective of his mission, do good to earthly creatures. A lottery system placed Dadda on a mission to New Delhi, India, Earth.
o
He spent three months on the mission, came back, and submitted a report to his boss. I highlight below, some part of Dadda's report.
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a. I was driving near Lajpat Nagar. There were few pedestrians who wanted to cross the road. I stopped the car for them to cross. No one did. They looked at me in disbelief. All they said, "Maarega yeh humko zaroor. Hum chalenge aur yeh gaadi chala dega".
o
b. I was standing in a long queue for buying movie tickets. There was a girl behind me. I thought of being nice and asked her to take my place. She got really angry. She stood her ground and said, "So that you stare at my ass? Huh? You pervert".
o
c. I made friends with a guy named Pajju. It was his birthday three days later. I called him and wished happy birthday. He wasn't expecting my call. He said, "Yaar, treat shaam ko le liyo please".
o
d. A motorcyclist met with an accident. He fell down. I went to pick him up. He looked at me walking towards him. He first checked where his wallet was, and then said, "Aah. Lag gayi".
o
e. A car had broken down. I went to help the couple who owned it. The guy looked at me, asked his wife to go back in, and said, "No thanks. Don't need your help".
o
f. I bought McDonalds' burgers for slum kids. The kids looked really excited about their to-be feast. Suddenly, a guy, an equal slum dweller, came and shouted at them. He asked them not to eat. He said, "Pata nahi kya milaya hoga isne".
o
g. I saw kids begging at the red light. I thought education might change their fate. I taught them English. The police caught me. The charges that were pressed, "Bachcho ko English sikha ke bheekh mangwata hai".
o
h. I got out of the jail, somehow. An hour after my exit, I saw a little girl fall down on the road. I picked her, held her by the hand, but then someone shouted. Her parents, they screamed, "Hamari bachchi ko bachao kidnapper se". The police caught me and put me back in. Swoooooosh... I transmitted back to heaven immediately.
o
God, my boss, how can I help these people? How can I be nice? They have forgotten about being good. Nothing happened as I expected... except for one thing. There was only one thing that went right. Just one!
o
It was a moment when I was feeding some cows. An hour later, a news was flashed on the channels Baaj Tak and Dandiya TV. They said, "Bhagwaan ne bhookhi cows ka pate bharne ke liye apne saathi ko bheja". That was the only time when people interpreted my deed correctly. Sob sob.
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