Sunday, August 29, 2010

Aah Want a New Technology

This post is my submission to HP's 'My Demand contest' on Indiblogger. The contest simply wants participants to think of a new technology... and demand the same! My demand follows...
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"And the judge has sentenced the chief minister Papayawati to 20 years of rigorous imprisonment for causing 29, 384 lakhs Aah of pain to the people of Uttar Pradesh."
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I want a technology that measures things that we allege to be non-measurable. Basically, I want everything to be measurable!

Pain, Love, Hate, Boredom, Anger, Corruption, and so on... can you measure them?

...wouldn't it be great if you could measure everything non-countable as well?
...and how about a unit of measurement for everything?

Confused? Let me explain. Since Papaywati caused pain; let me use 'pain' as my example.

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Pain should be measurable from now on, physical or mental. The unit of pain, I propose, should be 'Aah' (as you see in the judge's verdict above). And we should have some basic thresholds like anything above 50 Aah is severe.

So, all I want is a technology to measure pain in Aah. Note that Aah does not take a plural form - it does not become Aahs. (And why? Ask the creator please...)

Now sample this: 'Mom, dad just fell down in the porch... and he is having a pain of 28 Aah.'

To which mom replies, 'relax son. 28 is less. Remember - it has to be 50 or more to be serious!!!'
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And here are some other usages I could think of:

a. Office Gossip: I heard Rita had 88 Aah of pain during her labor. God! She must be brave.

b. School: Ma'm, I did not come to school yesterday because I had a stomach ache of 36 Aah... and here's the certificate.

c. Lovers: 'I could go through hundreds of Aah for you.'

d. Death: 'O.. I have been hit by a bullet... and it's really painful'...to which the listener would respond, 'yes, I can see. 91 Aah it is. O, and it's increasing'.

e. Facebook Status Message: 'Had a 36 Aah toothache today'.
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.
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...and so on. Make it measurable, will you.

Okay, here's a bonus example: I had 49 Aah of pain in my head after reading this post ...and you know where that comment goes, don't you?

But yes - I firmly believe... everything should be measurable. I would also propose the unit of love as 'dil'. I love my blog more than 99 dils.

Bring on the technology please.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Chao-ffic

9:45 p.m., Delhi...
Voooooooooooooooooooo.... Voooooooooooooooooooo.... (ambulance)

The sight of an ambulance in the rear-view mirror discomforted Resham. 'I hope none's dying', she said to herself. Next, she moved her car to the adjacent lane giving way to the ambulance. While the ambulance passed, a quick peek inside did not reveal anything. 'Maybe it's going to pick someone... or maybe someone's actually there... god bless', were her last thoughts.

In the meanwhile, the ambulance driver was coated with perspiration. It's a hard job, mind you. He had to reach before it was late. His assistant, sitting next to him, understood the seriousness of the situation—he did not speak a word. There were another 4 kms to go.

Four kms would have been an easier job in any other city, but this is Delhi. The traffic is so heavy that every meter you travel is itself a successful outcome in life.

The driver looked at the traffic, which was as-usual congested. Next, he looked at the assistant in a what-do-we-do-now kind of manner. The assistant looked at his watch. It was 9:50. He then looked in the rear of the van. It was all lifeless there. No movement no nothing. He then looked behind the van.

The madmen they are, Dilliwaalas were fighting for the spot immeditely behind the ambulance. They knew the ambulance would pierce the traffic and move forward easily. Why miss the oppotunity then? Just get behind the thing and you progress too!

The driver cussed the traffic and blew the horn incessantly. The Vooooooooooooo continued simultaneously!

It was getting really nervy. The assistant hurled truckload of abuses at a couple of two-wheeled vehicles that the van encountered. It was getting late, he knew. I personally don't think anybody could feel as helpless as these guys. But they were professionals, is my second thought.

The driver's phone rang at 9:55. He did not bother to pick. Actually, he never got to know about the phone call because of the Voooooooooooo. By the way, I am not even sure if he'd pick had he heard.

Desperate times now! Just 1 km left and there was so much traffic. It was so bad that the vehicles in front did not even have much space to let the ambulance through. It was all clogged... jammed... and disgusting!

The ambulance then scratched a car. O shit! But, the car owner did not mind. This was his share of karma. He just hoped the patient reached on time. The driver did not look apologetic. He was on a mission and could not be late.

A number of onlookers watched the ambulance struggling. They all prayed. Some wondered what if their family member was in there... struggling with life and the traffic equally. Others just abhorred the traffic situation. Anyways.
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Finally... after much Voooooooooooing, the guys turned right and stopped a 100 meters later. The time was 10:05.

But... instead of hurrying things up, they just sat there. Both of them were really sad. They stared at each other.

They knew the Dilli thekaas close at sharp 10 p.m.

---------------END!


PS: Through this post, I thank my friend Maneesh Makheeja (InfoPro). He has helped me on a number of occassions on a number of things. Thanks Maneesh. Why this post? Because I know you love beer :)

Saturday, August 14, 2010

I hate you... CHARUUUUU!

Charu is a fucking piece of shit,
He knows cricket not one bit,
Still he blabbers with his zero wit,
I say feed him a candle after it's lit.

I don't want to see Charu on TV,
People please go and burn his CV,
And ask him to stay with his biwi,
And then we do haha hoho hehe.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Chunnu, Pinki, Pappu, Simmi

Mom: Pinku, tumhara friend Mohit aaya hai...    
Pinku: Maa... Please Pankul bolo.
Mom: But uska naam toh Mohit hai na?
Pinku: Offo... mujhe Pankul bolo. Friends ke saamne Pinku mat bola karo.
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I am going to write about nicknames in this post—the same nicknames that we run away from in public... and are indifferent to in private.

I don't know if any other country uses nicknames like we do... and as much as we do.

But I have to tell you that nicknames are wonderful!

There are just too many pluses about nicknames. I can't even guess why you are embarrassed of your nickname. Here's my take:

a. Nicknames Don't Want Your Intelligence: You don't need to be intelligent for nicknaming someone. Do you? You can just call him/her anything as you please. Even the dumbest of people nicknamed others.

And probably that's why we have nicknames that sound so stupid—for example, Dabbu. By the way, what the hell is Dabbu, if I may ask?

b. Nicknames Don't Want Your Time: Do you know, girlfriends-boyfriends, often, in their midnight calls, talk about how they would name their kids?

"Ladka hua toh Pratap... and ladki hui toh Pramila..."
"Uska naam 'L' se rakhenge... classroom mein roll number beech mein rahega..."

I am telling this only to reflect upon the time and thought that go into naming your kids. You spend so much time and thought on thinking of real names. In fact, real-naming a real kid is a real trouble... so many suggestions from people, dictionaries, FB messages, midnight calls, Google searches... etc etc.

Whereas, nicknames don't ask for your time. No, seriously, who spends time thinking about nicknames? You can nickname someone in the time you take two breaths. Seriously. If you take two deep breaths, that itself can give you an idea "Deep"... leading to Deepu! Am I talking like a wacko here?

c. Nicknames Are Short: No hassle at all. You can call the person quickly... shout at him/her quickly... type his/her name quickly... SMS quickly... write his/her name on sand quickly... write his/her name on paper and do a new kind of voodoo quickly... tell his/her name to goons for giving a supari quickly... and do many more things quickly.

Ever heard someone with a nickname like Padmanathan? Never! I'm sure Paddu is so much better.

d. Nicknames Convey Love: If you recall, a nickname is like something jo pyaar se bulaya jaata hai. Isn't that a stamp of love itself? Someone calling you by your nickname is like someone calling you lovingly, if I may translate it that way.

e. Nicknames Are Funny: How does Minni sound? And what about Haggu? Pappu paas hua kya?

There is an element of casualness and humor in nicknames. They sound friendly. They don't throw an air of seriousness. Ok, look at the following sentence:

Duggu, mai tera khoon pi jaunga... It doesn't sound too great, does it? Do you think Duggu would be the kind of person someone would say this to? Don't think the speaker is serious. Duggu ofcourse sounds like a stupid and harmless fellow.

f. Nicknames Can Be Multiple: Once you have a real name, you are likely to take it to your grave. It will stick with you on all marksheets, appointment letters, insurance plans... and wherever. Just wherever. Even on the damn shaadi ka card that I am running away from at this point of time in life.

But nicknames... you can have 100 nicknames! ... and still counting. If you have 20 close friends, you are bound to have at least 4 nicknames. Very cool, isn't it?

g. Nicknames Don't Have to Mean Anything: Well. Do I need to explain this? The real name is supposed to mean something, which is why parents are so much into this business of finding good real names.

But nicknames, oh, we don't care a shit if they don't mean a shit. Look at the title of this post and tell me if any word means anything to you.

h. Nicknames Are Easy: Remember, it's not what you would want to call someone... but, often, it's what you feel like calling someone.

There are many off-the-shelf ones lying around... just pick anything. It does not have to be really different from the world. You don't really have to put much thought into it.

And the second and very easy option is to mutilate the real name... for example, Tajas becomes Teju, Rajesh becomes Raju. So on. So easy.

i. Nicknames Are Lover Friendly: This is easily one of the most overlooked advantages of a nickname.

Suppose a girlfriend dumps her boyfriend... and the boyfriend is filmy... what do you think he'll do? Of course, he will inscribe his gf's name on his hands, legs, forehead... wherever. Of course!

Now, imagine if his gf's name is Rajyalakshmi. He will have to cut his whole body to fit the name somewhere. In such a case, he could use her nickname. A simple Rajjo will be fitting and less painful.

Don't you think so? Just look at our lover boy on the right.
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That brings an end to this post. I know there were some points that could be merged... but hey, chill "Readu" (nickname for readers)!

So... do you agree? The concept of nicknames is so wonderful.

Then why get embarrassed when someone calls you by your nickname? ... at home or bahar... office or playground... meeting or conference... personal call or client call... anywhere!

In fact, you should now ask people to call by your nickname... pyaar badhta hai!

~~Written by Sonu~~

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PS: In case you are commenting... do tell me your nickname, please.

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All the pictures and contents on Dusht-ka-Drishtikone are protected by Copyright Law and should not be reproduced, published or displayed without the explicit prior written permission from the sole author of the blog, Kshitij Khurana.