Sunday, November 7, 2010

Celebrations

In the words of a ragpicker...
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Hahaha... I can't stop giggling. Maybe it's the aftereffect of our Diwali celebrations. Maybe.

But, to tell you, we did have a blast. It was just the usually amazing Diwali that we have every year. You rich people tend to think we ragpickers have no life and live in poor conditions. Oh please! Give me a break. We are quite well off when it comes to happiness and celebrations—much more than you guys actually.

Today, I tell you all this because some of you have this guilt that you enjoy life while we starve. 'Awwww', so sweet of you to think like that. But, that's not quite! Atleast not for us ragpickers.

Okay, let me ask you a question. How do you guys celebrate your Diwali? I am guessing some of you dance in parties, some of you eat good food, most of you burst crackers... and the ones who claim to be sensible just decorate homes... right?

And what do we ragpickers do? What if I were to tell you we do all of the above? Haha. Well, you might be doing one, two, or maximum three of the things I listed... but, we do all. I repeat, 'all'.

There are four of us in my group - Gharru, Tuktaki, Bangola, and Surri (that's me). We have been friends since long. We even work together... and when it comes to celebrating Diwali, no one beats us.

This time around, our celebrations spanned, like every year, across two days. The first was the actual Diwali day... and the second was the day that followed. Here's a brief on what all we did:

We Danced: You guys are obnoxious and loud. It is not at all difficult to find a house where there's a party going on.

You know what all happens inside. But I guess you never know what happens outside. Do you? Well, we are making merry outside, dancing to the latest music popping out of your show-offable music systems. This is what happened this time as well. Munni badnaam hui... darling tere liye...

Surprisingly, our tastes in music match big time. Dancing to second-ear music is real fun I say. Keep it up people; we love it.

We Ate: Again! Not at all difficult to find a house where a party is going on. And of course, if there's a party, there's going to be wastage.

You guys waste food like anything. Lol. But, we love that thing of yours. Psst... because we don't let it remain wasted actually. We pick up the food from your bins and consume as a part of our Diwali rituals. It's a real feast I swear. There are just so many options you provide us with.

We really enjoyed the food this time as well. Promise us something... next time onward, you will not feel guilty whenever you waste food. Always remember that it's not really getting wasted. It's getting consumed. 

To continue our celebrations, once the food was done with, we rushed back to our homes concluding the first of the two wonderful days of our celebrations. Sounds fun till here? Am sure, am sure.

We Burst Crackers: Then came the next morning! I'd have to admit we slept less between the two days.

The very next morning, we set off on our tramping activities, picking from roads the crackers you left over. We even caught hold of crackers that did not burst and you never managed to pick again.

To tell you a truth - we so love this cracker-collection part. The anticipation of finding good bombs is just too exciting.

We then went back to our secret place and burst the crackers, dancing to the joys of the great festival simultaneously. And yes, you guys are amazing but I bet if you even knew that.

I think I should point out something really important here. One may tend to think this writeup is like a satire on the activities of rich people. Blah blah blah and how the poor are suffering. Bullshit... you must be kidding me. In reality, this article is to show our gratitude for what you rich people have been doing for us ragpickers. We love you.

We Even Earned: This was our last of the activities of the Diwali celebrations. Once our cracker bursting was done, we set off in the evening, all dressed in our torn uniforms.

It is Diwali time and you guys are supposedly more generous. Maybe you guys think that helping us would bring you good luck. Maybe it gives you some karmic massage. Lol. Keep bringing it on, I say. We got a lot of money from you and your likes during these days.

All we had to do was to appear like we were lying idle while the world was celebrating... and you gave us good money. As they say, 'dil khol ke'. Am sorry, not sure if I should have confessed that.

Nevertheless, that concluded our lovely Diwali celebrations. You agree?

Ah! There is one little thing though. One thing we want to say at this stage. Why do you guys never waste your drinks??? I mean... we never get to drink you know. There's just nothing you leave for us.

On that note... I think you guys always throw up. You should throw out... from next time ;)

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This post was published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 16; the sixteenth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. 

The post fetched 5 votes... decent enough... considering that the top 3 bloggers got 7 votes each :)

Monday, November 1, 2010

A Lesson on the Redlight Area

Dear All,

Congratulations!

The Education Ministry of India has finally decided to act. I am so happy they have realized that the current education belongs to the previous century. Someone out there figured we badly needed to update our syllabus with something that is more realistic. I am so happy.

I hear that the first change they are making is to the lesson on Traffic Lights. You remember the lesson? Oh jolly well you do. It was all basic; red means STOP, yellow means LOOK, and green means GO.

Rubbish! Good that they are tuning the lesson into the current situation.

Here's a look at the new concepts that will be taught next session onward:


1. Red: This does not, anymore, mean that you HAVE TO stop. No no! Red means you can now cross the road... but a little carefully.

Why carefully? Because others will have 'green' for them and they might be following the old education system thinking they can cross freely on green. So, a little caution is what you need to exercise.

The next rule for red is that you must never be in the front-most lane during a red light. This is because only fools are found in the front-most lane on red. All the intelligent ones are supposed to tag along with the traffic that crossed in the last 'green'. Remember that there is always the space for an extra vehicle in the group that crosses the road... irrespective of what the light says.

Another thing - if you are moving on red and someone stares at you abusively, you will have all the right in the world to give it back to them; alright?


2. Yellow (Amber/Orange): Ah! This used to mean that it was going to turn into red and people must prepare to stop. Crap!

It, rightfully and thankfully, now, indicates that the light's going to turn into red and you have to raise the speed of your vehicle so that you don't fall into the category of foolish people who end up stopping on red.

So, as a rule, if you see yellow, speed up. This is the only light where you get to test the acceleration of your vehicle.



3. Green: It used to mean, 'go freely'... you must be kidding me! That was long ago; wake up dude.

The green now means that officially you are allowed to cross the road... but you have to be careful and not bang into people who are moving on their red.

Remember that most of your accidents will happen on your green. Be very very careful on your green. Green is for danger.


4. No Lights Working: Wonderful! That is a new addition. A new concept, I say. You know what it means? You little naughty wicked person... am sure you do.

It means it is free-for-all. Everybody from every direction is free to cross. It's a winner-takes-all kind of situation. Survival of the fittest... ever heard?

There is a note of caution here. This particular arrangement of lights (rather the lack of it) often leads to traffic jams. This means that you must know how to safeguard your interest... doesn't matter if you end up leaving behind the whole of your generation in 'jam' because of your actions.


5. All Lights On At the Same Time: Confused? Of course this happens all the time. It's the new system... the new century!

The rules related to this are EXACTLY the same as the previous point. However, there is one slight exception. One little tiny extra thing you need to do.

Now, while attempting to cross the road in this all-lights-working situation, you have to abuse the government. You have to abuse the government for systems it has provided. 'Bloody, it is not even capable of providing properly functioning traffic lights to the law-abiding citizens'.

You should cross the road and only focus on how poor the political system of India is... do not forget to mention their useless claims at the time of elections... and wish for a better tomorrow simultaneously. Sounds good?



6. No Traffic Pole: Well. This could be due to a lot of reasons. The most probable cause, given the century we are in, is that... it probably got stolen!

That's it for the new lesson. Hope the changes sound okay. 

And as we know, nothing in life comes without exceptions. There is an exception to this lesson. If you are strong... large in number (in your vehicle), you should not really bother about the lights system. You can do as you please. Fuck the lesson!

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