Sunday, September 13, 2009

Button Ka Jeevan

Hi. My name is button. I have been with humans since the time they felt like covering their filthy bodies with clothes. I have gone through a lot. I have taken so much that it's not even funny anymore.

That's because I have been molested at each possible instance. I am psychologically harassed. I now describe my feelings:

a. My pain is overlooked - Have you seen fatsos wearing shirts that they are not supposed to fit in? I am talking about the spectacle where their body parts form convex impressions on the shirts they wear. What does one usually comment on seeing them - "Iski toh shirt phat jayegi". What the fuck? And I mean it... What about me? Did you realize that I was at more pain than the damn shirt? It was because of my tenacity that fatso was still able to wear something. And all I expected was for someone to say - "Iske button tootne wale hai". But... you guys are thankless; trust me.

b. I am made to feel less important - Do you realize how trivial I am? Laajo saw Bamman's shirt and commented - "Arrey.. Bamman.. tumhari shirt se toh button match hi nahi karte" What shit! Did someone ever say - "Tumhare buttons se toh shirt match hi nahi karti." I ask why? Dont I need to feel important?

c. I am a bad adjective - How do you recognize a tapori in Bollywood? Simple - "Tapori apni shirt ke button khol ke ghoomte hai". Is that fair? Why the hell am I being used to describe them? I am just doing my job.

d. I am mistaken for identity - So many people use my name to identify so many different things. I want to make it really clear right now. A SWITCH (and not me) is used for turning on the fan. A KEY (and not me) is pressed to receive a call. Just don't keep calling all the things you press 'button'.

e. I am illtreated by horny people - Give horny people a room with no observers. What do they do next? They don't bother to unbutton the shirts... they 'disbutton' the shirts. They just rip each other's clothes... dropping me on the floor.

f. I am often used while women disrespect their husbands - Channo to her hubby - "Gavaar! Apni shirt ke button toh lagana aata nahi naukri kya karega tuu?" What the hell man? If that hubby is a dumbass... why does Channo have to take my name while rebuking him?

g. They make fun of my name - My name is button. Simply - BUTTON. Lalu ji, I make this really clear; my name is not buttonwa... as in "buttonwa toh kholiye Dabri ji". Bloody gavaar. Did I call you Bhalu? Did I call your wife Baavdi? Why mutilate my name?

h. I am used in courtrooms to describe extramarital scenes - Advocate Goggi to the judge - "Judge saab mai aapse poochta hoon. Mulzim Tatiya agar apni padosan ke saath aadhi raat ko dekha gaya... aur uske button khulle paaye gaye... Toh iske kitne matlab nikalte hai?" As if it leads to just one thing. Can't it be possible that Tatiya was showing his tattoo to the padosan? Why make the whole issue extramarital? Moreover, why use my name in this adultery?

i. I am replaceable - You replace me when I dont fit the scheme of things with your shirt. Did you ever replace a shirt to fit me? Fuck off!

j. I am cheap - You need me... you go to the masterji in the colony. Then, if Masterji charges you ten rupees... you say "Masterji... mazaak mat karo. Ek button ke dus rupaiyye?" Ah! It hurts! Kya mai mazaak hoon?

k. I have been made dirty - You humans wash your hands after doing your filthy work in the loo. But there is something you do before washing hands and after doing the filthy work. What's that? Obviously, you button your pants. You realized something? Despite the hygiene you maintained, I always got touched by your dirty hands!

What kind of life is this? Don't screw me. Please only button me.
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PS: I think I am in a 'buttony' mood today. My other blog has got a similar story. Do visit:
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The above post won the first prize in the 'Best Blog Post (Category - Creative/Funny)' contest hosted by Achyut Kelang on his blog.

Find the details... and winners of other categories here:

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Horny Porny

Huhhu, aged 22, is an always-horny kind of boy. It's the age factor I guess. He locks himself up in the room day and night just to watch porn on the Internet. It's completely gotten into his head... he simply loves it!

Life could have been wonderful for Huhhu had his dad not been a computer literate. Dad, seeing the frequency of Huhhu's lock ups, was always suspicious of some unholy activity. It was all at that level until he decided to check Huhhu's browsing history. The history check revealed that Huhhu was a damn sex maniac. This boy, every morning exactly at 8 AM, would visit sex-me-up.com. Every afternoon at exactly 3, it would be ooh-aah-oh.com. And every night at 11, it would be raatrimaaya.com.

Huhhu's dad was saddened at the 'results' of the check. Just when he was about to shut the computer down, dad saw a folder 'Project Work' on the desktop just centimeters away from the Recycle Bin. Dad did not get good vibes off this folder—that's because Huhhu had never done any kind of project work ever. On opening the folder, dad found a number of downloaded files—all porn. Dad was sad. He'd talk about this with Huhhu's mommy.

The discussion about son's pornographic interests saddened both dad and mum. They decided Huhhu was the type of boy they could discuss this with. They could get him on the right track. The discussion time was fixed for next day.

Huhhu, being spoken to about his ill deeds, became uncomfortable. He, at first, said, all the stuff belonged to his friend Jhaam... but parents wouldn't buy it. Huhhu had to finally succumb and say sorry. He promised he'd not do it again.

(3 weeks later)

Huhhu's dad was happy because last 3 weeks had not seen Huhhu's room locked up at any time. Still, he decided to do another history check. He thought the issue was serious and things could not be taken lightly. Do you know what came out in this round of history check? Guess... Well, all the porn was there! The surfing time had changed to late nights... very late. Moreover, the Project Folder still existed.

Another discussion between the parents ended in mum shedding a tear or two. However, don't forget that they were strong, practical kind of parents. They wouldn't let their son go that way. So, they made a plan. It was tough to be executed... a lot of emotional drama... but they wanted to do it.

They shot a movie of themseleves... you know, indulging! The plan was to put that movie in Huhhu's Project Work. The idea was that if Huhhu sees his parents like that, he would definitely understand that porn is all shit... and people he loves watching, are someone's family too. As planned, a mum-dad movie was made... and put in Huhhu's collection.

(2 weeks later)

The door bell rang. It was the milkman. God knew why he was smiling so much that day.

Anyways, dad thought it was time. He decided to check the effectiveness of the plan they'd executed. He was really confident things would have worked out their way. With a lot of anxiety, dad opened the surfing history... and... o shit... Huhhu was still the same! That was a heartbreaker. He and his wife had given up so much... but in vain. With a lot of sadness, dad clicked the Web Site Huhhu had been visiting.

The first video, titled 'My mum dad', uploaded 1 week ago by Huhhu, had fetched 38 comments!
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PS: That dumbass... why couldn't he bloody delete the history?
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PPS: Our kids are getting into porn big time... let's stop!

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