jiggly

{Adjective: Tending to jiggle or marked by a slight, irregular, shaking motion.}

He was fat! A mota! 

Well, I know that's not a nice thing to say and probably ‘overweight' is a better term. But he was clearly fatter than any average human being.

Let’s call him Jiggly. There's a good reason. When he walked naturally, his excess body fat jiggled in a rhythm. He was aware of it and would often try to control his movements. His walk was nothing but a carefully calibrated movement of his arms and legs. 

According to Jiggly, being overweight made him an ugly sight. He was quite ashamed of himself. This resulted in severely low confidence and the inability to be himself around others.

Thankfully, Jiggly had a decent school experience. He had a great bunch of friends who understood that he was uncomfortable about his weight. The friends did not engage in any weight-related discussions. Neither did they joke about it. So, even though Jiggly was unhappy with life, the school was ok.

The real problem started when he joined college. This specific college was known for ‘ragging’. For those who don’t know, ragging is abuse, humiliation, or harassment of new entrants or junior students by the senior students. It often takes a malignant form wherein the newcomers may be subjected to psychological or physical torture.

Jiggly had it tough on his first day. His big size earned him some nasty jibes, which he took on the chin. He had prepared for it. But it turned for worse when he was asked to take his shirt off and dance. The seniors wanted to have some ‘harmless’ fun.

Now, it was impossible for Jiggly to do this. He was super conscious of his body (in a terribly negative way) and would-not-take-his-shirt-off! Come what may! He resisted. He just wished that they ask him to do something else and let him be. When more seniors joined the scene, Jiggly had no choice left.

He cried. He took his shirt off. He always wore a vest under his shirt to keep his upper body contained in some sort of shape. He did not take his vest off. But he cried visibly. He cried a lot more inside. The other part of the task was to dance, which he did with a few random movements.

His biggest insecurity, his body, had been exposed. Literally. The seniors had their share of fun and on seeing him cry like that, tapped him on his shoulders indicating that he could wear the shirt back. Then, they moved on to search for more cheap thrills at others’ expense.

Obviously, Jiggly did not move on. He did not have it in him to continue that day. He went back home. He cried on the way back, that night, and even the next morning. He did not return to college that entire week. When he joined back the next week, he did what he always did best. Keep low.

A few months into college life, Jiggly decided to join a gym. He had gathered some motivation and wanted to begin his journey of weight loss. He wanted to look presentable.

On his first day in the gym, he saw this poster framed on the wall . . .

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Well, that did not motivate him. It did the opposite. The memories of his first day at college came rushing. Nevertheless, Jiggly managed to exercise in that gym for the next few months.

When he lost a couple of kilos, which happened really fast, he gained some confidence back. He was all of 18 years old when he wrote his first (and only) life goal: walk bare-chested on a beach.

For Jiggly, beach meant Goa. He had been to Goa twice with his parents, and he had a liking for that destination. People did not care much in Goa and most importantly did not stare him down. He felt at ease in Goa. He chose 'beach' because that would be the easiest place to achieve this goal. Nevertheless, it may seem easy to many but it was a big deal for him. 

Now, he had to continue his gym and continue the weight-loss journey. He anticipated that he would need to lose at least 20kgs, something that he could possibly achieve in the next 2 years.

Little did he know that he would not be able to achieve this goal in the next 18 years. And even after that. 

After a few months at the gym, Jiggly could not keep his motivation levels. He was bored with doing cardio every day. He hated the treadmill. I’d rather walk outside. He quit! And walk, he did not. 

He gained all the weight back and sank deeper into the shithole of guilt he was used to living in.

The next year, his school friends had planned to meet at the school reunion. Jiggly did not go. His friends waited for him for long. Little did they know that their friend did not feel comfortable in public gatherings. They couldn’t have guessed that Jiggly had gone many levels down in confidence and would not meet them ever again.

Not going to the reunion was Jiggly’s first 'big' compromise in a series of endless, nonstop, compromises made over the next 18 years.

He would wear only ill-fitting and loose clothes. It was difficult to find his size, and this fellow went for a size bigger. He found a few plus-sized stores and just stuck to them. All he wore were clothes that did not reveal the shape inside.

On one of the family outings, Jiggly went into the pool wearing a vest. That did not turn out to be a good decision because the lifeguard asked him to come out. The rules allowed only swimming costumes. Jiggly did not swim ever again. 

His confidence levels were at an all-time low between 20 and 30. He avoided talking to anyone. He did not make eye contact while talking to people. He was just a hopeless human being with an okayish job and parents who loved him as he was. 

Every few months, he tried to get himself to exercise. And he used to start well but was never able to hold on to the habit. 

A key moment happened when Jiggly turned 30 years old. He was super motivated to get it right. It was finally time.

He did not join the gym. He started jogging at a really slow pace, at really odd hours. Very early in the morning or late at night. He gave it his best shot and continued the routine for a year and a half He lost 20 kgs. 

It was a remarkable achievement on the back of endless sacrifices. He had improved his fitness in leaps and bounds. He was still overweight but much fitter. People around him looked at him with respect. Some even drew motivation from what Jiggly had achieved. Well, everyone, except one person, was thrilled with this transformation.

That one person who was not was Jiggly himself. He had achieved the goal of losing 20 kgs and somehow lost all the motivation thereafter. He wasn't happy. He wasn't satisfied either. I guess happiness had stayed so far away from him that he did not even know how to recognize it. 

Coincidentally, he went to Goa that same summer. Was it the time to do that one thing he always wanted to do? walk bare-chested!

Unfortunately, Jiggly did not get it done. He did not have the confidence to take his shirt off. Even when every single person on the beach was occupied with their own plays. Jiggly felt that people will 'start looking at him' if he does that. They will make fun of my body. So, no, it did not happen.

One thing about losing a lot of weight is you tend to gain a lot of it back if you are not careful. Jiggly had become complacent. He ate much more than he needed and did not exercise. 

At the end of the next two years, he gained 27 kgs! His current self was the fattest he had ever been. He continued living in misery until a month ago.

He turned 36 last month. He bought himself a new phone and was saving old pictures... when he found something.

He had a pic from his last Goa trip in front of him. The same trip. He thought that he looked amazing in the pic. 

Obviously, comparing to what he looked like at that moment, his all older selfs had to look amazing. But Jiggly genuinely felt that he looked really nice in those Goa pics. That night, he slept with the regret of not fulfilling his goal on that trip. And he was hurt about gaining all the weight back.

The next morning, a few thoughts popped up in his head . . . 

"What if I look amazing even now... and I just don’t realize it?"

"Maybe, if I were to gain even more and look worse, I’d look at my current pic and find it amazing?"

"What if my happiness isn't even related to my weight? I had lost a lot but never felt happy..."

Those thoughts stayed with him for a few days. He'd often look into the mirror and try to find the answers. One night, while surfing Facebook, he saw a quote.

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If you recall, 18 years ago, a quote that he read in the gym had made him miserable. This time, a different quote did just the opposite. It made him stronger. Just when he needed it.

He had started thinking in the right direction, and this quote gave him the push.

Something from Rumi comes to mind, apt for this situation: "what you seek is seeking you".

Jiggly's life was going to change. He had understood the problems he had been facing. He made a few mental notes:

I need to be comfortable in my skin.

I need to love myself.

My happiness does not depend on how I look.

No one is staring at me. 

I don't care a bit about what others think of me.

Jiggly tried to keep these thoughts, but he was still uncomfortable around others. After all, it was 18 years of doing that needed undoing.

He had a new idea! A simple plan. He had spent the last 18 years of his life being ashamed. He would now try to make up by being shameless. It is critical to point out that 'shameless' is generally considered a negative term. But in this case, it was being used in a positive and encouraging manner to mean 'uninhibited'.  

It was time for Jiggly to be Jiggly 2.0! 

He began his journey with the easiest (in a respectful manner) target, his house-help didi.

When the bell rang the next day, Jiggly opened the door in a vest. It was extremely uncomfortable, but he went through with the plan. Didi was shocked. She stood there for three seconds and asked ‘aunty ghar pe hai?’ (is your mom home?)

Jiggly slowly started doing these random things to force himself into becoming more comfortable around people. A few days later, he was completely topless when he opened the door for didi. Big deal! Didi cringed and went inside. Jiggly laughed.

Slowly, Jiggly, who was now on a path of 'shamelessness', crossed all limits. 

... he spent time in his balcony in just his underwear. If someone stared at him, he'd stare them back, eye to eye!

... he took amazon deliveries in underwear.

... he even walked under his house without a shirt.

... he once walked back home from the market with his t-shirt rolled up, exposing the paunch.

...and just a long list of crazy things.

In order to make himself comfortable, he starting making everyone else uncomfortable! Most of which was the neighbor aunty who had the direct view of his balcony. She had complained about his lack of proper clothing on the society’s WhatsApp group. Jiggly did not care. If someone called him shameless, he took it with pride.

One day, the neighbor aunty was outside drying clothes. That’s when she saw Jiggly mopping his balcony. He was in his underwear. She called out, ‘you should have some shame’. Jiggly said, ‘all my shames got used. This is my balcony. You do not look in this direction if you have a problem’.

The aunty got irritated and grabbed her phone to click a picture of Jiggly in his undergarments in full public view in the middle of the day. 

Jiggly suddenly recalled the ragging incident in college. That day, he had wanted to run away. He couldn't. All he could do was cry, cry, and cry.

This day, the aunty expected him to run away. But he stood his ground, posed for the picture, and did something that reflected that his soul was finally free now! He laughed, laughed, and laughed. 

This was the photo that the aunty managed to click.

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The same evening, Jiggly updated his life goals. 

Walk bare-chested in Goa

Love yourself. Be unapologetic. And be shameless.

And get some real goals dude!

                                                            END 

So, that's the story of Jiggly. I don’t know what’s he up to these days. But more power to him and people like him.

Jiggly could be anybody. Anybody who is too conscious about something that is not even in their hands. Too tall, too short, too thin, too fat, too fair, too dark, too disproportionate, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, just anybody! Be yourself. And if something is indeed making you uncomfortable, just giggle it away.

I’m always pretty, I’m never ugly,

Doesn't matter if it's toned, or jiggly,

I will be myself, I will be giggly,

And will love myself, shamelessly!

- Ksh, June'20