Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Spot the Assholes

Hey! Long time.

Look, we all agree there are assholes on our roads. They are roaming around freely... messing around with rules, our minds, and everything else...

I thought I'd do this post to spot some assholes.

In order to do this, I will take use of my hand-drawn images on paint. My observations:

Type 1 (the other-way): If it's a single road shared by both directions, these assholes prevail. When they find their lane is not moving, they take it to the other lane (meant for the opposite trafic). Now, these assholes don't realize that they block the opposite traffic... which further blocks the traffic in their original lane... which eventually blocks the whole fucking road. The main culprits in this category are the assholes who initiate the movement to the other lane... only to be followed by other like-minded assholes. Here's a pictorial representation of what I mean. Spot the assholes - They are in red.

Type 2 (the contradiction in requirement and reality): If you were to turn left at the next turn, which lane would you be driving in? Left-most? Even center at times? But someone care to tell me what the fuck would you be doing in the right-most lane in the same situation. All you'd do is halt all the traffic that needs to go right/straight—look at others as if they have sinned by coming in your way—and go through them to your destined turn. Spot the asshole - He is in blue.

Type 3 (the stop-everything warriors): You do not care more for anything other than that slight dent or scratch  given to you by a fellow commuter. Yes, you have to stop the car right there, in the middle of the traffic, and catch hold of the guy you could beat up for that dent. What do you end up doing? You block the whole fucking lane... and if it's a narrow road, you block the whole of it. Come on. Someone out there could be in real hurry... yeah, do you even care? In green.



Type 4 (the UNscrupulous): Okay, the signal has turned red. It does not make any difference to you, as usual. However, for once,you decide to be the follower this time. Be the man. Be the principled guy. What do you do, of course you stop. But where? Meters ahead of the zebra line. Just look at yourself, you have almost cross the road... why bothering to stop now? Just go on man. Spot the assholes - in this weird color... magenta or something.



Type 5 (the protruders): Well, they think they're doing the biggest favor to you by letting you pass. These guys are mainly found on turns... waiting to join into the main traffic. What do they do? They try to get their vehicles into the action inch by inch. Slowly, you realize they are so much on the road that you ought to stop and let them be a part of the warfare. Spot the assholes - red.



Type 6 (the slow motion): Ah! These guys promote road rage the most. They have to be at their slowest in the fastest lane. They often successfully manage to keep the rest of the traffic at pace with them. Usually, old uncle aunties are discovered in such vehicles... and at times you do apologize to yourself for abusing unknowingly... but then there are others too who do this. These assholes often end up getting killer stares by people who manage to scrape through. I say this - at least give way... or drive on the left or some place else... Yellow please.


Type 7 (the double-slow motion): Oh I hate this one. Another category of road-rage promoters. Imagine two guys in front of you... covering the whole passage... and driving slow... and on top of it - at EXACT same speed. Usually, in the given situation, you dont know which of the two drivers to curse. Both are equal assholes. Pink.

.... Lastly, let me tell you about the biggest category of assholes... and these are us. Coz either we tolerate other assholes or become like them. That's it. We don't do anything to correct the situation.

If all of us stick to what's right and not follow other assholes... the other assholes will soon start following us.

30 comments:

  1. Only in India man:P
    Type one mostly at railway crossings and type 2 them autos, who really think they can use the middle of the road like they're going at 60kmph:P

    good one.

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  2. Good post! Am sure we all must have encountered such situations and observed such assholes as these things are part of our everyday life..we all get irritated...but no one actually bothers to sit and write about such things..but you highlight such things in your posts really well!

    Good job sweetheart!

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  3. Btw..out of the 7 types you have mentioned, the biggest ones are type 1...the most irritating ones according to me.

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  4. Awesome post man!!
    If u ever go to Delhi-Gurgaon expressway, u wil find a entirely new type of assholes commuting. The 'Dhoom machale' dudes on bikes. Bikes are not allowed on the expressway as the avg. speed is 100 kmph but they have to show there daring and what better place to do that than the expressway!

    Regards,
    hshekhar.blogspot.com

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  5. These people are found everywhere man!!
    acchi post hai yaar!

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  6. there is one more type, typically found in rickshaws wherein if they find a 'bhada' they will stop the car right in the middle of the road to pick up passengers and start indicating to you to shut the fuck up and wait while he gets his fare. Very pissing off.

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  7. ummmm... main kya kahu... m the asshole "type 5!" the protruder!!! lol! :P

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  8. Nice post and that too with illustrations!
    Type 1 is repeated at every damn railway intersection that I have gone to. Absolutely ridiculous. It's like a fish-market when the gates open.

    I would reserve a separate category for the BMTC buses in Bangalore. Drive on the right most for 99% of the time that you are on the road. Only when someone requests a stop do you move to the left lane and if that's not possible, well stop where are you! The conductor warns you of incoming traffic as you are getting down :)

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  9. type 7 ones even irritate pedestrians :D

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  10. Good one!! Enhances my digust for fellow-Indians even more. BTW, you forgot mentioning at least two more idiots:
    1. Those teaching their kids or wife the art of driving during office hours. These cars are characterized by zig-zzg driving motion, jerking into momental 'brake' every time a faster car passes by.
    2. The jokers on the road who suddenly realise they forgot to wear their undies and try taking a U-turn to home in the middle of the road.

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  11. Lovely post man. Maybe you can invite pictures/videos of such ass@#$%s and readers can send them in for you to publish. Do a whole traffic series or something :)

    Good work buddy, but what took the cake for me were your illustrations. :)) Look forward to more.

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  12. Reminds me of the book -the no asshole rule.
    It fundamentally questions whether one is a certified asshole or not!

    good post.:-)

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  13. LOL! The problem is- these assholes do not follow any 'color convention'... so you cannot spot one until you actually bump into one :)

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  14. This post reeked of Awesomeness!

    Thanks a lot for taking time to go through my blog. In one way or other you have encouraged me to keep on blogging.
    Thanks a lot!

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  15. This post echoes the frustration of thousands of others in this country! Yelling on roads and cursing rule breakers is too common now for anyone to be bothered about it :) Especially, when many have NO idea on what traffic rules are.

    There is one permanent solution to this problem - publish a small trafic rules handbook and conduct a mandatory written test on traffic rules before issuing license.

    Atleast those who care for their safety will get to know what traffic rules are and how breaking them will be a risk for their life.

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  16. ASSHOLE SPOTTED: Type 8 (Double Parking)
    Parking their cars in such a way that it blocks the parking of two cars and adds to your frustration when you dont find a parking and wish you could get off and push that car into place.

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  17. My return comments:

    @ Kish - Railway crossing? Cant relate to that man. Are you talking about Delhi?

    @ Jambwaal - Thank you... and I am sure you have encountered my frustration sitting in the that same car where I observed all this from. I hope you start driving very soon... and give me your version of life. And yes, type one are the most dangerous ones. It is not only because of the harm they cause, but also the fact that they give the impression that kisi ko koi farak nahi padta iss dunia se... that is dangerous.

    @ Azad - That's a new one dude. I didnt know that. Will keep my eyes open the next time I am there. Ab tak koi accident nahi hua unka?

    @ Shilpa - yes... but Chandigarh mei toh kaafi better tha when I was there. Or is it the same? You drive?

    @ Aditya - Ah! The moment you described both the categories, more frustration crept in me... really, very pissing off. Cant fight.... have to bear... and we become so helpless.

    @ G - What number 5? You drive? I thought tum toh sirf chalvaati ho... Need to confirm this with J :) But hey, thank you for visiting and even following.

    @ Sid - Man... that sounds dangerous. People get hurt in the process? Or they have learnt the tricks? Thankfully, that happens less here (is my guess):)

    @ Naveen - Pedestrians? What pedestrians? Wrong picture you drew... all this is happening on the main road in the moving road. :)

    @ My friend Sud - Yes man... I forgot them... Huff, looking in all directions, there is so much scope for frustration... lol... mai toh end mei baukhla ke hasne hi lag jata hoon.

    @ Sean - I can do so many posts on traffic. The more the frustration, the more the number of posts. Betwee, I have a traffic post lined up - watch out.

    Illustrations costed me a lot of time and effort. but with your appreciation, they suddenly look worth :)

    @ Anonymous - Naam likhna next time apna. Thank you for this time. But yeh phir se nahi chalega. I need to know kaun aaya tha.

    @ Jasaala - Welcome here. I am glad you liked the post.

    @ MM - Bump? Din raat toh we bump into them... infact, all of us fit into more than one category. Sob sob..

    @ Saurabh - Thank you Saurabh. Your blog deserves the popularity it is getting. I hope you go many a mile through it.

    @ Ini - whoa! Look who's here. This place is unfamiliar to the most 'logical' commentor of the most illogical pics on the other blog. It is good to see you here. Guess that comment (read request) worked.

    Test... ummm... dont know yaar... most of the problems are related to common sense. I think there is a problem in the mentality. I am sure most of them know they are doing the wrong thing. I am not supporting the test suggestion. I am looking at some way(s) that will help induce fear of law/cops...just thinking aloud. The unfortunate part is that most of us learn only when something goes wrong. Blah blah Blah. lol. thanks.

    @ All - Thanks. I hope the situation improves. Kuch aisa ho ke gaadi chalane mei maza aaye. Let's contribute.. I will.

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  18. Responded to everyone's comment except mine :( Purely intentional.

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  19. Upar likha toh hai tumko Jambwaal ke naam se.... Aankhen khol lo.

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  20. Its better here in Chandigarh but still, these pe(e)ople exist even here.

    No, I don't but my father does, he keeps yelling at them. :P :P

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  21. Good illustrations.

    I have seen many of all types. In fact, I have Type 8(The Sudden Action) : It is the cycle rickshaws. They just show their hand and turn right. They don't care to see if some one is coming or not. It is the someone's job to see that they don't hurt themselves.

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  22. Ahhh.... it's like aggression and high blood pressure put into words. I can sleep peacefully tonight. BTW - WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR???? WHERE DID IT GO????

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  23. Hey... Welcome.. long time since you did that act of disappearance.

    This is an old pic... I used to look like this.. a couple of years ago... The present is not something to speak of...

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  24. i know i m posting a comment quite late but cdn't stop myself from doing so....dis is awesome. Come to Kolkata sometime n i can bet,u can spot all dese at d same time...

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  25. This is the most awesome post I've ever read on flouting of traffic rules. I really get so frustrated by the different kinds of drivers we find here in Pune, almost all of which you've listed above! I dont think You've missed anyone at all..Just wish each of them would read this piece and somehow sense would drive into their thick heads, Head-on!!
    You got my vote at IndiBlogger, friend!

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  26. Vibhuti, your appreciation means much.

    And you vote... too much! Thank you friend.

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  27. amazing man!!!
    following ur blog!!!

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  28. @ Varuna - Hey! I 'like' your liking the post.
    Thanks much.

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All the pictures and contents on Dusht-ka-Drishtikone are protected by Copyright Law and should not be reproduced, published or displayed without the explicit prior written permission from the sole author of the blog, Kshitij Khurana.