Friday, June 11, 2010

kanKaal Center

The Bank of JoJoPePe opened its branch in the Chaknur village, somehwere in Haryana. Surprisingly, the bank, though low-staffed, had call center services as well. The number to their call center was advertised all over. This seems to be the story on papers. However, in reality, there was no call center. The telephone number reached the personal desk of the Branch Manager.

This concept of call center was just to lure customers. If somone did call the telephone number, a human intervention was considered divine. That's because all that existed on that number was a machine that would only irritate the callers.

Mummu, one of the bank's customers, is seen here calling the call center. He wants to ask for a new chequebook.
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Tring Tring... Tring Tring... Tring Tring... Tring Tring... Tring Tring... Tring Tring... Tring Tring... Tring Tring... Tring Tring...

The phone is picked and put on hold. There is some music playing in the background. Mummu doesn't know he'll have to listen to this music for the next 15 minutes. Moreover, after every 2 minutes, he hears this - (in the Vodafone tune) Youuuuuu and aiiiiiii, in this Chaknur village..... Youuuuuu and aiiiiiii, in this Chaknur village.....

After 15 minutes

Welcome to the JoJoPePe Bank. To continue in English, press 1. For Hindi, press 2. For any other language, please get someone who understands Hindi or English.

'1'


English. If you are an existing customer, press 1. If you don't exist anymore, press 2.

'1'


For bank account, press 1. For credit card, although we don't deal in credit cards, still, press 2.

'1'


For knowing the balance, press 1. For requesting a new chequebook, press 2. For closing the account, press 3. For closing the bank, press 4. For hanging up the call, press 5 and hang up.

'2'


Why do you want a new chequebook? For 'old chequebook finished', press 1. For 'old chequebook lost', press 2. For 'old chequebook stolen', press 3. For 'old chequebook burnt', press 4. For 'old chequebook bhow bhow eaten', press 5.

'1'


Where did you use all the cheques? For business purposes, press 1. For personal purposes, press 2.

'1'


What kind of business are you into? For kheti-baadi, press 1. For factory, press 2. For chowkidaar, press 3. For others, press some other number.

'2'


Does your factory emit gases? For yes, press 1. For no, press 2.

'1' (By this time, Mummu is getting real pissed)


(Music plays in between - Youuuuuu and aiiiiiii, in this Chaknur village..... Youuuuuu and aiiiiiii, in this Chaknur village...)


What did you have for lunch? For roti sabji dal, press 1. For roti sabji minus dal, press 2. For chaval dal, press 3.

'8' (Mummu, in anger, presses 8 to see what happens)


Sorry. We know they don't have Pizzas here. It was not an option. Please choose from 1, 2, or 3.

'1' (Mummu wants to kill someone now)

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.
.
.
.
.
Ok, coming back to the point, you want a new chequebook? For yes, press 1. For no, press 2.

'1' (Mummu is happier now)


Do you know that our bank is the only bank that has bank at the bank of river? For yes, press 1. For no, press 2.

'1' (Half an hour has passed and Mummu has started abusing the machine)


Do you promise to make good use of the chequebook? For yes, press 1. For no, press 2.

'1' (Now, the default patience limit of half an hour has passed, and the machine decides it's time for humans.)


In case you wish to speak to our customer care officer, press 9.

'9' (Mummu decides he will rip apart the officer and the bank for all this)


Our phone officers are busy at the moment; please wait.

'9' (Mummu waits for 15 minutes... listening to lousy classical music.... and presses 9 again... in disgust)

Okay, as you wish. You have been put at the end of the queue. Please wait.
(Mummu curses himself... and waits for another half an hour. Finally, the Branch Manager picks up the phone. It's time he gave his customer some service.)

Manager: Good afternoon. Welcome to JoJoPePe Bank. How can I help you?

Mummu: I think you are a fuckin... (pauses) ummm... I need a chequebook.

Manager: Sure sir. Please visit the bank branch for the same. You will get a chequebook request form. On the form, there will be a unique reference code. You need to call back with that unique reference code. Thanks. Have a good day (hangs up).

Three days later, Mummu's chequebook is delivered to the Chaknur jail.

15 comments:

  1. May I make a suggestion? PLEASE put a copyright disclaimer on your blog ASAP, protecting everything you write . This is so absolutely superb, if you don't protect it, someone's going to steal it and pass it off as their own.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Maddy. I was contemplating the same. I have put something for now. Don't know if that's effective... but I will check.

    I really appreciate you visiting my blogs so regularly... and leaving comments as well... Thanks a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOL!!!

    As someone who would rather keep her money in a tin ka dabba at home than a bank, I completely understand poor Mummu's plight.

    Keep them comming! :-)


    PS: Maddy's right: Put a disclaimer.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Well done :-)

    And I love those polls of yours... ROTFL!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. This one is superb...made me laugh like anything..! Well done!

    Ur ideas are just so marvelously excellent. U r the most creative and craziest person I have ever met in my life!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Jhaad pe chadha diya madame ji aapne. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. LOL! :-) That was hilarious slice of life! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  8. :D Good one! I don't know why i felt a kind of deja vu while reading this post! Have you written something like this on your blog before?Cause I think I have read one similar post on your blog... :O (just curious??)
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    shilpa

    ReplyDelete
  9. :)
    Yes.. this is an old one. I am trying to reuse the posts that I think did not get enough readership earlier (since there weren't many readers). Not that I mean there are 100s now... but kuch toh zyada hai pehle se.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This is so very funny... Absolutely enjoyed it :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey... thanks so much Shilpa. Guess it's your first time to my madhouse. Welcome here.

    ReplyDelete
  12. :-). typical... :-P( you know what!)

    ReplyDelete
  13. haha :)
    you typical D_______ commentor...

    ReplyDelete
  14. i cant stop myself writing that its indeed a masterpiece

    ReplyDelete

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All the pictures and contents on Dusht-ka-Drishtikone are protected by Copyright Law and should not be reproduced, published or displayed without the explicit prior written permission from the sole author of the blog, Kshitij Khurana.