Monday, November 1, 2010

A Lesson on the Redlight Area

Dear All,


The Education Ministry of India has finally decided to act. I am so happy they have realized that the current education belongs to the previous century. Someone out there figured we badly needed to update our syllabus with something that is more realistic. I am so happy.

I hear that the first change they are making is to the lesson on Traffic Lights. You remember the lesson? Oh jolly well you do. It was all basic; red means STOP, yellow means LOOK, and green means GO.

Rubbish! Good that they are tuning the lesson into the current situation.

Here's a look at the new concepts that will be taught next session onward:

1. Red: This does not, anymore, mean that you HAVE TO stop. No no! Red means you can now cross the road... but a little carefully.

Why carefully? Because others will have 'green' for them and they might be following the old education system thinking they can cross freely on green. So, a little caution is what you need to exercise.

The next rule for red is that you must never be in the front-most lane during a red light. This is because only fools are found in the front-most lane on red. All the intelligent ones are supposed to tag along with the traffic that crossed in the last 'green'. Remember that there is always the space for an extra vehicle in the group that crosses the road... irrespective of what the light says.

Another thing - if you are moving on red and someone stares at you abusively, you will have all the right in the world to give it back to them; alright?

2. Yellow (Amber/Orange): Ah! This used to mean that it was going to turn into red and people must prepare to stop. Crap!

It, rightfully and thankfully, now, indicates that the light's going to turn into red and you have to raise the speed of your vehicle so that you don't fall into the category of foolish people who end up stopping on red.

So, as a rule, if you see yellow, speed up. This is the only light where you get to test the acceleration of your vehicle.

3. Green: It used to mean, 'go freely'... you must be kidding me! That was long ago; wake up dude.

The green now means that officially you are allowed to cross the road... but you have to be careful and not bang into people who are moving on their red.

Remember that most of your accidents will happen on your green. Be very very careful on your green. Green is for danger.

4. No Lights Working: Wonderful! That is a new addition. A new concept, I say. You know what it means? You little naughty wicked person... am sure you do.

It means it is free-for-all. Everybody from every direction is free to cross. It's a winner-takes-all kind of situation. Survival of the fittest... ever heard?

There is a note of caution here. This particular arrangement of lights (rather the lack of it) often leads to traffic jams. This means that you must know how to safeguard your interest... doesn't matter if you end up leaving behind the whole of your generation in 'jam' because of your actions.

5. All Lights On At the Same Time: Confused? Of course this happens all the time. It's the new system... the new century!

The rules related to this are EXACTLY the same as the previous point. However, there is one slight exception. One little tiny extra thing you need to do.

Now, while attempting to cross the road in this all-lights-working situation, you have to abuse the government. You have to abuse the government for systems it has provided. 'Bloody, it is not even capable of providing properly functioning traffic lights to the law-abiding citizens'.

You should cross the road and only focus on how poor the political system of India is... do not forget to mention their useless claims at the time of elections... and wish for a better tomorrow simultaneously. Sounds good?

6. No Traffic Pole: Well. This could be due to a lot of reasons. The most probable cause, given the century we are in, is that... it probably got stolen!

That's it for the new lesson. Hope the changes sound okay. 

And as we know, nothing in life comes without exceptions. There is an exception to this lesson. If you are strong... large in number (in your vehicle), you should not really bother about the lights system. You can do as you please. Fuck the lesson!


  1. ha ha true...
    good one yet again...

  2. pole stolen..hmmm tigdam baaz gang.

  3. Lol ..... very well written....especially the title !!

  4. Great one....loved it. Remember to travel with Fresh Bread in your car....always....whenever in Jams - save time...have a quick meal (who knows how long it will last - for situations 4, 5 and 6!)

  5. Thats what you do to your title to catch the attention! great work!
    And the lessons, thanks I needed an official course on this! Next time someone shouts at me I'll give them this link! Stupid people! they need to grow with the moving times!

  6. @ Tash - Hey! Long time Tash. Thank you. Am happy you liked it, yet again.

    @ Norp - Shhhhh... kashi chappal utaar raha hai ped se.

    @ Geet - Yeh. That's a very perv way of interpreting it. But it could be an emotional one too. What say you?

    @ Amit - Thank you Amit. Why is there a ' at the end of your name buddy? You creating your trademark?

    @ Neo - Fresh bread. That's a new one. LOL. Thank you for loving it KM.

    @ Addy - THank thanks. Yes, good work with the title; I think so too. Yes, you can tell them about this. As it is this will soon be a part of the curriculum. All official man.

    Btw.. you havent written a thing since i blogrolled you. Wasshappening?


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