How Many Stars... Mr. Mohan?

Vikrant Mehra: O my swee'heart... You're a born magician... You've performed a magic trick on me—I just don't seem to think of anything other than you.

Sweetheart Kumar (name undisclosed): (chuckles) Will you allow me to go out and perform these tricks on others? Like... I mean... Show my talent to the world?

Vikrant: You naughty baby! Don't even think of others... The world consists of just the two of us now onward.

...and they kissed each other...
...
...
...and another one... followed by a third... while a hidden camera captured the scene and made a 10-minute movie.

After the sweetheart left, Vikrant went to the camera controls, viewed the tape, and said, "perfect." Next, he took the tape out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and wrote on it.

The envelope was addressed to Mohan Kumar who worked as the Senior Correspondent for a high-ranking newspaper. Mohan's job included movie reviews. He was often referred to as "Mr. Reviewer."

Oh! Another question—Who's that Vikrant... and that sweetheart?

Vikrant was an actor who'd done three movies in all... last being Papa Jaag Jayega (PJJ). And by the way, his sweetheart was Mr. Reviewer's daughter. No need to mention her name. Kyon badnaam karna faaltu mei?

Clearly... in the above scene, Vikrant was doing what he did best... acting! He was fooling her.

Coincidentally, two couriers were delivered to Mr. Reviewer's house that day.

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Someone was clicking photographs without the subjects having any knowledge of it.

"Ah, this one will do," said the cameraman Paras. "This one" described a guy chatting with his colleague... pure chatting... no hanky panky, mind you!

Paras then put the photograph in an envelope and sent it to Mr. Reviewer's wife. The envelope read "Your Husband's Latest Affair."

A note about Paras—he used to be a cameraman in Bollywood movies, last being PJJ.

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"Helppppp... Helppppp... Helpppp...," shouted someone.

This someone was being kidnapped. The kidnappers had been hired by a certain Mr. Kranti Singh.

Kranti Singh who? Kranti was a prominent villain of the Bollywood industry. His last role was in a movie called PJJ.

...and the guy shouting for help was the teenage son of... you know... a movie reviewer known as Mohan Kumar.

On hearing the 'confirmation' from one of the kidnappers, Kranti picked up the phone and dialed a number...

Mohan... bahut review ka shauk hai tujhe? Tera beta mere kabze mei hai... hahahahahahahaha... hahahahahaha... hahahahahahaha... (hangs up).

[Mohan, you are very fond of reviewing, right? I have kidnapped your son... (laughter followed by phone hanged up)]
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News of actors, cricketers, and all do-biggers joining Twitter was making headlines. But, something that had been totally overlooked was the new blog created by a movie writer, Telgi.

Telgi was a Bollywood movie writer... his last movie was PJJ. After the disappointment of that movie, Telgi realized how the success of movies also depends on critics and other frill reviewers. Telgi had been gutted at the fact that one such reviewer had made the whole of his last effort look so dumb.

Anyways, this blog that Telgi had created was for giving review comments to movie reviewers. Yes, you read it right. Telgi, in his blog, would review the work of movie reviewers. The name of his blog was something similar to tu-toh-gaya-mohan@blogspot...

In this blog, Telgi had decided to make one particular reviewer's life hell. No prizes for guessing the reviewer's name.

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Meanwhile, a pretty lady was seen entering a local police station.

"I want to complaint about this guy... he has been calling me late nights... sending SMSs... and may even be stalking me..."

"Do you have any idea who it could be?"

"Yes... seems like this guy who works as a reviewer for this newspaper. His name is Mohan Kumar."

"Okay ma'm. Let us find out what's happening. Give us your mobile number..."

Meera Gagroo, the Bollywood actress, last seen in PJJ, had just made an exit from the police station.

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ENOUGH...

Ok. What's happening here, guys?

Kyon peeche pade hue hain sab Mister Reviewer ke... ??

This goes a month back in time. The movie PJJ was supposed to release. Its cast and crew were super excited about the whole thing. Most of them were quite fresh into the industry, and therefore, they had high hopes from the movie. They had put in a lot of effort over a period of 8 months, and naturally, all of them were nervous.

The movie was to release on Friday, and unfortunately, its release date clashed with a big-budget movie. It was a known fact that the public had become smarter and started going for movies only after having read the movie reviews floating in the market. A known name in this business of reviewing was Mohan Kumar (Mr. Reviewer).

So... while PJJ was being released... a sad story for its crew was unfolding simultaneously. As it was later known to the crew, the guys behind the big movie that was releasing the same day had paid a huge sum to Mohan Kumar and asked him to thrash PJJ—this would by default benefit the big movie.

The next morning, an excited crew read this in the movie-review section of a newspaper (on the left).

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Now... of course, please don't for a moment think that such reviews were allowed. Mohan got a big warning from his boss. The boss wanted Mohan to be specific and write about actual stories than generically talking about filth contained in movies. Mohan was okay with the big warning... the money he had received was big too.

Going back to the crew now...

Dejected... was of course the word. Even though the review did not talk anything specific about the movie, it had changed the revenues considerably... and in the negative direction. A lot of people, after having read the review, did not give PJJ any chance. Some of the people who watched it were confused as to why such a review was given... after all, the movie was okay for watching once at least.

And hence... it resulted in a pissed-off crew of PJJ. Making movies was their job... and now they wanted to seek a movie-style revenge... on Mohan! Therefore, they did what they did.

However, do you think the story could end here? Of course not!

Life always has its ways of getting back at people. Mohan was struggling big time... being hit from all directions. Let's summarize his state:

• His daughter was kissing flop actors and making videos out of it.
• His son had been kidnapped.
• His wife was complaining of him having an affair with some random colleague. She left for her mother's place... blaming Mohan for the kidnapped son.
• He was being questioned by the police for stalking this actress.
• His work was being ripped apart in some random blog by a movie writer.
• His boss was pissed off at him for making use of the newspaper's review section in the way Mohan did. Thankfully, the boss did not know the motive. Else...

Not good!

A month later, Mohan's things had considerably improved. His daughter vowed she'd never get close to anyone. The son had god-knows-from-where returned two days after the kidnapping. Wife was still not around, but he was okay with it. Police had acquitted him in the case of stalking the actress. His stories were still being scrutinized by Telgi's blog... and his boss was normal now.

Mohan knew very well what had happened. The timing of all the incidents and some of the people involved could not have been coincidental. He knew that PJJ's people had everything to do with everything that had happened. Not surprisingly, he even knew why they did what they did.

A month later, Mohan was visited by some of the crew members of PJJ. They wanted to apologize for everything. The producer even invited Mohan for the exclusive premier of their next movie, Chal Phoot Le. The producer told Mohan that most of the cast of Chal Phoot Le was the same as PJJ... and all were happy to invite Mohan over for the premier.

At first, Mohan did not believe what was happening. Anyways, he did not care much.

He had never for a minute thought the episode was over. He was waiting for opportunities to get back... and opportunity is exactly what he got!

...in the form of that invitation.

Having sat through the premier, Mohan was flabbergasted. A movie shot in a room with just one person sitting and narrating the incidents of his life... what kind of a movie was that?

Here's a scene from the movie... the actor sat like this for 3 hours... in almost the same angle... with almost the same expressions... and kept uttering something or the other. Replay this video in your mind for 3 hours, and you could almost get a pirated copy of the movie.

Rubbish!

"One stupid-looking actor... in the whole movie... blabbering nonstop all through. You call that a movie? You must be kidding me."

Mohan thought this movie was made with a budget of Rupees 100/-.

Anyways, he got what he wanted.

The next morning his reviews would be on paper even before the first show was played in theatres.

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As expected, Mohan did a royal thrashing of the movie.

His comments were so harsh that a number of people felt pity for the director. Mohan knew he needed to be specific else his boss would go mad again. He did so.

On the left is the article that Mohan did for Chal Phoot Le.

BANG!

A day later, a cyclone had hit Mohan's life.

He lost his job and reputation....

…immediately after his newspaper lost its high rank and credibility
…immediately before being sued by the team of Chal Phoot Le

Chal Phoot Le, apparently, had turned out to be a normal family movie... with usual scenes... usual songs... usual comedy. Its story was based on unwelcomed guests... bell-ringing salesmen... etc.

Mohan's review was not even 1% close to the actual. He'd been duped. He realized that the director-producer duo of Papa Jaag Jayega was planning bigger things while the other crew members were playing around with him.

The premier... the crowd... even the movie... all was a hoax! They never showed the real movie that day.

However, Mohan's bevakoofi was showcased for real!

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