31 July, 2010

Under the Clock

It was the 12th of January… doesn’t matter what year!

Every year, the 12th of January was our mini-alumni day. That is the day the gang used to meet up and discuss the happenings of the year. It was on the last day of college that we decided for this mini-alumni event. All of left with a promise to make it to the event year on year.

Of course, we did use to stay in touch through sporadic phone calls, but the 12th was special!

Members of the gang:
  • Me (Keku), the fattest of all
  • Dalip, the dumbest of all
  • KC, the smartest of all
  • Bakshi, the craziest of all
  • Raahu, the bravest of all
  • Paandu, the stingiest of all
Yes! Our gang had a number of superlatives personified. We all stayed in different parts of India. Only KC and Bakshi came from the same—Gwalior.

Oh! I forgot to tell you the place of meeting. It had to be, of course, our favorite post-college hangout spot… the clock tower, 3 km from the engineering college in the town of Nahan in the state of Himachal Pradesh. Pretty interesting choice, eh? We loved the place.

So… coming back to the 12th this year—the last we met… and maybe the last ever we met.

Four of us had reached on time. The two Gwalior boys were missing… and late, as usual.

I remember the day well. It rained all through the day and maybe till the next morning. It was 2 p.m., an hour after the scheduled meeting time. The four of us were really happy to see each other. All three claimed I had become fatter… and they wanted me to shed some kilos before the next meet. As it continued to rain and we were waiting for the Gwalior boys, we had nothing to do but tell stories.

It was 5 p.m. and still no sign of the Gwalior boys. We could wait… and continue our chitchat. Possibly stirred by the incessant rain and the general monotony, the topics of our discussions turned to be a little paranormal.

Dalip recounted to us the tales of buses losing their control and falling into ravines after encountering ancient ghosts that haunt the bends on mountain roads.

Raahu then told us of jinns who engage themselves sportingly in fierce battles on moonless nights, leaving huge trampled circles in the corn fields. If not to the jinns, Raahu said, "to what else could these circles be attributed, for there were generally no storms or even rains on the previous night?"

As the sky turned gray and the downpour heavier, we had become confined to the old clock tower. As the clock struck 7, we saw a young man approaching toward us. Hey!!! That is KC. We were so happy to see our gang about to get complete. But why was he alone? Where was Bakshi?

The clock tower was desolate at that hour of the day. All shops were closed, except for a dimly lit tea stall that faced the clock tower. We could see steam coming out of hot tea that a merry old man was pouring into glasses. A young boy rushed to the tables to attend customers with a sense of emergency. We looked towards the tea stall as we talked and derived pleasure from the sight of steaming tea—it was very cold now—before it descended upon us that we wanted to have some tea too. Paandu gestured to the boy in the tea stall to bring five glasses of tea.

We all hugged KC and let him settle while the tea signaling was being done. The next thing had to be obvious. I asked, "where is Bakshi?"

The downpour still continued, and the last bus was making its appearance at the bus stop next to the clock tower.

Next to Dalip sat KC, who, after the question was hurled at him twice, opened his mouth for the first time. I forgot to mention earlier—KC looked very tired and sad. We had in our minds blamed it to a tiring journey.

KC said Bakshi was not…

"Not???" we asked.

"Around," he said.

"Not around," what does that mean KC?

KC cleared his throat. It looked like he was about to begin a story. I guessed it was some long story that would explain why Bakshi was missing and what KC meant when he said that Bakshi was not around.

KC was a fine storyteller! It must be mentioned here—he could describe faces with astounding precision, mimic voices and walks, and tell of mannerisms and habits of his subjects. Such were his talents that if he’d ever describe to you a man you haven’t met before, you’d recognize him the next time you bump into him. KC lit up a cigarette and immediately put up an air of thoughtfulness, while Paandu gestured to the tea stall to bring the tea jaldi. Meanwhile, we made ourselves comfortable on the low concrete fence that bordered the clock tower. KC continued…

"As you know, Bakshi liked boxing and would practice for hours at the club, sometimes with me and sometimes alone. Hours of practice had made Bakshi quite good; he moved his feet briskly and delivered powerful punches. In some friendly bouts, he had almost knocked his opponents down in a few blows. Though not very strongly built, he derived tremendous force from the speed with which he administered his blows."

KC then stopped to puff at his cigarette. It was still raining just as hard, and dark had begun to descend. All of us were now immersed in the story, keen to know what was wrong with Bakshi. After a couple of long puffs, KC continued.

"You know Bakshi had a very uncommon temperament. He would always get interested in bizarre things—anything that would give him a sense of novelty or adventure. He’d pretty easily get bored of routine. That, to me, seems the explanation why his passion for boxing gradually left him and why he turned to ganja (drugs). I remember him telling me how wonderful he felt after a round of ganja. He would advise me to try it, but I resisted. I knew this thing was not good and tried to get him interested in something else, but nothing worked.

He lost health, vivacity, and even confidence. Within a matter of months, he looked enervated—a lost soul plus an absolutely purposeless fellow. It saddened me. He began to miss his boxing sessions and would spend time at lonely places. On one of his lonely strolls down the Pir forest, he even discovered a little creek at the foot of the mountain—which was also the location of the royal cemetery. Bakshi had somehow developed a real liking for the cemetery. He once told me that ganja and the cemetery were all we wanted."

We sensed something bad had happened to Bakshi. Dalip’s face clearly suggested he was upset that things went that bad and he was never informed. KC resumed.

"A few days before Diwali, I had accompanied him to the cemetery on his insistence. I read the epitaph on one of the tombstones—it suggested that the grave belonged to the commonwealth war, when English soldiers were stationed at Gwalior cantonment. I have to confess that I immediately took a liking for the place; there was something inviting there—in the indolent October sun, bright marigolds that grew in plenty and the sensuously warm tombstones. Peace everywhere. No doubt Bakshi liked the place and would spend hours reclining at the tombstones or taking strolls in the narrow trails that winded down the creek. Often he’d bring a marigold or two along on his way back. As of me, I didn’t visit the place again. And as Bakshi began to spend more time at the cemetery and in the forest around, I didn’t meet him for days... until Diwali, when I saw him walking up the market street in the middle of the night. He passed by like a stranger. I noticed that he was carrying a pale marigold in his hand. I called out his name, but he kept walking. I then walked up to him, turned him about by his shoulder, and asked if he was alright.

For the next two minutes or so, Bakshi kept uttering something in English. He was talking about his "troops" being given some wrong information about the location of the "enemy". Moreover, Bakshi claimed that the enemy had shot everyone in his unit… and he should die too. He then stopped as abruptly as he had started and walked away into the dark.

What Bakshi had said was undoubtedly weird. But what struck me more was the fact that he had hardly uttered one correct sentence in English all his life. You remember how he used to stutter when it came to English?"

We nodded.

"And there he stood telling me the story of some troops killed by the enemy… with a diction that was so unmistakably English… as if…"

"Then?" said Dalip.

"On the same night, his lonely strolls came to an end when he reportedly fell off the cliff near the cemetery… and died."

"WHAT?"

I can’t even describe our reaction to what KC had just mentioned. I admit I was not very shocked because the way the story was unfolding, I had started to expect it. Dalip and Paandu cried. KC wiped something off his face and continued.

"The doctors at the civil hospital said it was the effect of excessive ganja. The drug, they said, made Bakshi act in rather peculiar ways and it might have been the delirium that took Bakshi on that night to the edge of the cliff. People believed this explanation; it was, after all, the most educated one. But… I know! It was not ganja."

And that was all that KC could tell us. He then puffed at whatever was left of his cigarette and started walking toward the back of the tower. Our public open-air urinal stayed there.

We were really sad. Something terrible had transpired. I began to ponder over what he had told us.

The noise of the rain suddenly returned and seemed to grow louder by the moment. It had grown quite dark by then, and the rain was coming down just as hard, which made a jet of water on the road moving swiftly down the slope.

The stillness broke with a honk, and the headlights of an auto rickshaw pierced the dark. Someone stepped out of the rickshaw and started walking toward us. The visibility was poor initially.

But as the person came closer, it turned out to be… Bakshi.

We all froze at once. He looked at us, a little unsure as to why his friends weren’t so welcoming. He did not look that happy.

We had no clue what was happening. But then I figured KC had made a fool of us. It was a really difficult point of time.

Bakshi looked at us, and said "KC is no more. I got late because I was at the cremation ground… had to take the next available train."

I looked in the direction that KC was supposed to come back from. No sign. Paandu, Raahu, and Dalip just sat. I have no idea what was going on in their minds.

Bakshi continued. "KC had been depressed since last few months. He claimed one of his friends from the the Gwalior cantonment had died at his hands in the war."

We listened helplessly.

"And then one day, KC fell off the cliff next to the forest."

The next moment we saw KC joining us. This had to be the most helpless I ever felt. I did not know what was going to happen next. Were they both lying?

The moment Bakshi saw KC, he jumped in his direction. KC screamed, "Officer, I’ll kill ya… ya enemy" and charged toward Bakshi.

The two crashed into each other right next to us… and whoosh…

...they disappeared!
---------------------------------------------END------------------------------------------

12 July, 2010

How Many Stars... Mr. Mohan?

Vikrant Mehra: O my swee'heart... You're a born magician... You've performed a magic trick on me—I just don't seem to think of anything other than you.

Sweetheart Kumar (name undisclosed): (chuckles) Will you allow me to go out and perform these tricks on others? Like... I mean... Show my talent to the world?

Vikrant: You naughty baby! Don't even think of others... The world consists of just the two of us now onward.

...and they kissed each other...
...
...
...and another one... followed by a third... while a hidden camera captured the scene and made a 10-minute movie.

After the sweetheart left, Vikrant went to the camera controls, viewed the tape, and said, "perfect." Next, he took the tape out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and wrote on it.

The envelope was addressed to Mohan Kumar who worked as the Senior Correspondent for a high-ranking newspaper. Mohan's job included movie reviews. He was often referred to as "Mr. Reviewer."

Oh! Another question—Who's that Vikrant... and that sweetheart?

Vikrant was an actor who'd done three movies in all... last being Papa Jaag Jayega (PJJ). And by the way, his sweetheart was Mr. Reviewer's daughter. No need to mention her name. Kyon badnaam karna faaltu mei?

Clearly... in the above scene, Vikrant was doing what he did best... acting! He was fooling her.

Coincidentally, two couriers were delivered to Mr. Reviewer's house that day.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

...CLICK...
...CLICK...
...CLICK CLICK...
0
Someone was clicking photographs without the subjects having any knowledge of it.

"Ah, this one will do," said the cameraman Paras. "This one" described a guy chatting with his colleague... pure chatting... no hanky panky, mind you!

Paras then put the photograph in an envelope and sent it to Mr. Reviewer's wife. The envelope read "Your Husband's Latest Affair."

A note about Paras—he used to be a cameraman in Bollywood movies, last being PJJ.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Helppppp... Helppppp... Helpppp...," shouted someone.

This someone was being kidnapped. The kidnappers had been hired by a certain Mr. Kranti Singh.

Kranti Singh who? Kranti was a prominent villain of the Bollywood industry. His last role was in a movie called PJJ.

...and the guy shouting for help was the teenage son of... you know... a movie reviewer known as Mohan Kumar.

On hearing the 'confirmation' from one of the kidnappers, Kranti picked up the phone and dialed a number...

Mohan... bahut review ka shauk hai tujhe? Tera beta mere kabze mei hai... hahahahahahahaha... hahahahahaha... hahahahahahaha... (hangs up).

[Mohan, you are very fond of reviewing, right? I have kidnapped your son... (laughter followed by phone hanged up)]
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

News of actors, cricketers, and all do-biggers joining Twitter was making headlines. But, something that had been totally overlooked was the new blog created by a movie writer, Telgi.

Telgi was a Bollywood movie writer... his last movie was PJJ. After the disappointment of that movie, Telgi realized how the success of movies also depends on critics and other frill reviewers. Telgi had been gutted at the fact that one such reviewer had made the whole of his last effort look so dumb.

Anyways, this blog that Telgi had created was for giving review comments to movie reviewers. Yes, you read it right. Telgi, in his blog, would review the work of movie reviewers. The name of his blog was something similar to tu-toh-gaya-mohan@blogspot...

In this blog, Telgi had decided to make one particular reviewer's life hell. No prizes for guessing the reviewer's name.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Meanwhile, a pretty lady was seen entering a local police station.

"I want to complaint about this guy... he has been calling me late nights... sending SMSs... and may even be stalking me..."

"Do you have any idea who it could be?"

"Yes... seems like this guy who works as a reviewer for this newspaper. His name is Mohan Kumar."

"Okay ma'm. Let us find out what's happening. Give us your mobile number..."

Meera Gagroo, the Bollywood actress, last seen in PJJ, had just made an exit from the police station.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ENOUGH...
Ok. What's happening here, guys?

Kyon peeche pade hue hain sab Mister Reviewer ke... ??

This goes a month back in time. The movie PJJ was supposed to release. Its cast and crew were super excited about the whole thing. Most of them were quite fresh into the industry, and therefore, they had high hopes from the movie. They had put in a lot of effort over a period of 8 months, and naturally, all of them were nervous.

The movie was to release on Friday, and unfortunately, its release date clashed with a big-budget movie. It was a known fact that the public had become smarter and started going for movies only after having read the movie reviews floating in the market. A known name in this business of reviewing was Mohan Kumar (Mr. Reviewer).

So... while PJJ was being released... a sad story for its crew was unfolding simultaneously. As it was later known to the crew, the guys behind the big movie that was releasing the same day had paid a huge sum to Mohan Kumar and asked him to thrash PJJ—this would by default benefit the big movie.

The next morning, an excited crew read this in the movie-review section of a newspaper (on the left).
0
Now... of course, please don't for a moment think that such reviews were allowed. Mohan got a big warning from his boss. The boss wanted Mohan to be specific and write about actual stories than generically talking about filth contained in movies. Mohan was okay with the big warning... the money he had received was big too.

Going back to the crew now...

Dejected... was of course the word. Even though the review did not talk anything specific about the movie, it had changed the revenues considerably... and in the negative direction. A lot of people, after having read the review, did not give PJJ any chance. Some of the people who watched it were confused as to why such a review was given... after all, the movie was okay for watching once at least.

And hence... it resulted in a pissed-off crew of PJJ. Making movies was their job... and now they wanted to seek a movie-style revenge... on Mohan! Therefore, they did what they did.

However, do you think the story could end here? Of course not!

Life always has its ways of getting back at people. Mohan was struggling big time... being hit from all directions. Let's summarize his state:
  • His daughter was kissing flop actors and making videos out of it.
  • His son had been kidnapped.
  • His wife was complaining of him having an affair with some random colleague. She left for her mother's place... blaming Mohan for the kidnapped son.
  • He was being questioned by the police for stalking this actress.
  • His work was being ripped apart in some random blog by a movie writer.
  • His boss was pissed off at him for making use of the newspaper's review section in the way Mohan did. Thankfully, the boss did not know the motive. Else...
Not good!

A month later, Mohan's things had considerably improved. His daughter vowed she'd never get close to anyone. The son had god-knows-from-where returned two days after the kidnapping. Wife was still not around, but he was okay with it. Police had acquitted him in the case of stalking the actress. His stories were still being scrutinized by Telgi's blog... and his boss was normal now.

Mohan knew very well what had happened. The timing of all the incidents and some of the people involved could not have been coincidental. He knew that PJJ's people had everything to do with everything that had happened. Not surprisingly, he even knew why they did what they did.

A month later, Mohan was visited by some of the crew members of PJJ. They wanted to apologize for everything. The producer even invited Mohan for the exclusive premier of their next movie, Chal Phoot Le. The producer told Mohan that most of the cast of Chal Phoot Le was the same as PJJ... and all were happy to invite Mohan over for the premier.

At first, Mohan did not believe what was happening. Anyways, he did not care much.

He had never for a minute thought the episode was over. He was waiting for opportunities to get back... and opportunity is exactly what he got!

...in the form of that invitation.

Having sat through the premier, Mohan was flabbergasted. A movie shot in a room with just one person sitting and narrating the incidents of his life... what kind of a movie was that?

Here's a scene from the movie... the actor sat like this for 3 hours... in almost the same angle... with almost the same expressions... and kept uttering something or the other. Replay this video in your mind for 3 hours, and you could almost get a pirated copy of the movie.

Rubbish!

"One stupid-looking actor... in the whole movie... blabbering nonstop all through. You call that a movie? You must be kidding me."

Mohan thought this movie was made with a budget of Rupees 100/-.

Anyways, he got what he wanted.

The next morning his reviews would be on paper even before the first show was played in theatres.

---------------------------

As expected, Mohan did a royal thrashing of the movie.

His comments were so harsh that a number of people felt pity for the director. Mohan knew he needed to be specific else his boss would go mad again. He did so.

On the left is the article that Mohan did for Chal Phoot Le.






BANG!

A day later, a cyclone had hit Mohan's life.

He lost his job and reputation....

…immediately after his newspaper lost its high rank and credibility
…immediately before being sued by the team of Chal Phoot Le

Chal Phoot Le, apparently, had turned out to be a normal family movie... with usual scenes... usual songs... usual comedy. Its story was based on unwelcomed guests... bell-ringing salesmen... etc.

Mohan's review was not even 1% close to the actual. He'd been duped. He realized that the director-producer duo of Papa Jaag Jayega was planning bigger things while the other crew members were playing around with him.

The premier... the crowd... even the movie... all was a hoax! They never showed the real movie that day.

However, Mohan's bevakoofi was showcased for real!

--------------------------------------------THE END----------------------------------------

28 June, 2010

Nutcase of a Race

.
.
'Buddy, yo're forgettin... Lance Armstrong comes from our countree'
'Well... if you got Armstrong... we got strong arms'
'Bullshit! U sure you wanna do it? There'z laat of embarrassment ya'll be facin'
'Laat? Woh toh tumko padegi... angrez ki aulaado... we'll see'
.
.

Those were some of the last exchanges between the Indian and American HR Managers. Excuse me!?! Which HR Managers are you talking about?

Well, it's the HR Managers working for AccentPuncture Consultants (ApC), a global organization with more than 20k employees across 30 different countries. ApC was in the process of hosting its first ever cross-continent 'sports event' for its employees. The venue was India.

...and the managers in question were throwing their pre-race tantrums. To be specific, they were talking about the cycle race that was to take place in a few days between an Indian representative and an American representative from the ApC.

That was an introduction, a prologue.

And now, it's time for the report. This comes directly to you from our journalist - Cheepad Kumar - who covered the sports event. He was well assisted by our cameraman, Jayantilaal.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: 12th November'09
Start Time: 9 a.m.
End Time: 11:20 a.m.
Location: New Delhi, India
Distance: 15 km
Route: Kendi Po Colony to the ApC premises
Participants: 2
Participants' Description: Stig Heckeler, a senior consultant with ApC America, and Tukaram Janjeera, a janitor from ApC India

Key Facts
  • The event was very prestigious. Forget ApC, the participants were, in a way, representing their countries.
  • Due to the non-availability of the racing space, the contest took place on the road... in the middle of normal traffic. This is what had been told to the world; however, in reality, the Indian HR Manager wanted to make the full use of home conditions. He knew his racer would be skilled enough to handle the adverse traffic situations... and, at the same time, the American racer would not even start the race... forget about the completion bit.
  • Stig, the racer from ApC America, represented his university for a couple of cycling tournaments. There was nothing else to speak of his cycling... till the ApC race of course.
  • The Indian racer had been coming to office on his cycle since long... and so... somehow... by default... he became the first preference for the event. Smart choice, you think?
  • One day, before the race, the two participants had been shown the route, the pit stops and the finishing line. Stig was happy it was a simple straight-line route, and he did not need to memorize stuff.
  • The participants had also been warned about the impending traffic conditions.  They both knew traffic would be playing a big role in the event.
Cycles: Stig preferred a sports cycle. His favourite colour was blue. So, obviously, he got a blue sports cycle. When Tukaram was asked about his choice, he suddenly started feeling very important and became very excited about the whole thing. Anyways, he opted for his own cycle, which he was most comfortable with. On the left is the cycle that was used by Stig... and on the right is Tukaram's.

 







Participants (in their gear): We clicked the photos of the two participants just before the race began, but ApC did not want us to publish them. We have not been given any reason for the same. Anyways, we've cut the heads to at least show you the gear. Left is Stig in his cycling jersey... and a pair of shorts under it. On the right is Tukaram posing exclusively for us... looking ever so relaxed. Note that he changed into a brown pullover after we clicked the photos. Maybe this green one was his 'photo' pullover. His lower half was covered by tight and ill-fitting pants. It's good that Jayantilaal didn't capture the pants.













Helmets: The ApC made it compulsory for both participants to wear helmets. Stig asked for a blue helmet that would match his cycle. On the other side, Tuka did not want any helmet. He could not quite understand why he needed a helmet. Anyways, after being forced to wear one, he picked a helmet from one of his scooterist friends. Left is Stig's; right is Saif Ali Khan's. Kidding! Of course, Tukaram's!













Water Break Arrangement: It was decided that both riders would have to compulsorily take a water break at the 5 km mark. On being asked for their preferences, Stig chose the branded stuff... while Tuka wanted his usual.














Energy Break Arrangement: The managers had decided for another pit stop... this time at the 10 km mark. At this juncture, the participants were to be offered their choice of energy boosters. Stig was very happy with the idea of an energy break... he definitely wanted the best cycling drink around. Tuka got confused. He had no idea what to ask for. Eventually, he uttered 'khaini aur gutka'.













Any Other Requirement: Stig was unsure what that meant. What other requirement? He declined. However, Tuka knew what he wanted. He wanted to carry his tiffin box. He said that it helped him shoo away pedestrians. The American HR Manager agreed to this absurd demand.

Race-Day Events: We now bring to you the events captured by Cheepad Kumar. He was on his motorcycle with Jayantilaal, covering the event. Here are the details of the event... in the words of Cheepad himself.

1. Even though the race started at 9 a.m., Stig was first spotted at 9:12 and Tuka at 9:14. Because of the extreme traffic conditions, it had become impossible to spot the two racers earlier. I must say it was bizarre to organize the race in the middle of heavy traffic... and during the office hour.

2. At 9:20, apparently, Stig was leading the race by 12 cars, 18 bikes, 2 buses, 3 scooters, 12 other cycles, and 28 pedestrians. This may sound like a huge difference, but surprisingly, it was only 30 metres that separated the two racers.

3. Stig had never raced in such conditions. But to his advantage, he had prepared for all this. He had clearly been told what to expect on Indian roads... and he knew that vehicles could be found on his left and right and even above him. The thing that worked in his favour was that he hardly understood any of the abuses hurled at him for getting in the way and, at times, overtaking some of the 'engined' vehicles. No distractions!

4. Tuka stared at all the women he possibly could. Be it on the road, in buses, at home windows... just wherever they could be found. At the same time, a lot of women stared at this fair-skinned guy in racing gear... coming from nowhere... going nowhere.

5. At 9: 40, Tuka, around half a km behind Stig, took a left turn. Now that was not part of the race. However, three minutes later, Tuka was found back on track. It was later realized that Tuka took a diversion to return the helmet to his friend, who was about to leave for work... on his scooter.

6. Stig took his water break at 9:50. Tuka took his at 10:02. This clearly indicates Stig was ahead at the 5 km mark.

7. At the 8 km mark, the leadership changed hands. There was a heavy traffic jam on one of the red lights... and all Stig could see was the big butts of the guy on a scooter. There was no way out. However, when he glanced towards left, he could not quite believe the scene. Tuka was carrying his cycle on his head... and walking on the footpath meant for pedestrians. 'Cheater, cheater', he shouted. People around Stig couldn't quite understand what was happening. And so, we had a new leader in the race.

8. The next stop was the energy break at the 10 km mark. Tuka made it at 10:25 while Stig, who clearly had some catching up to do, was there at 10:34. Tuka took the khaini, rubbed it on his left palm, mixed some choona... and stuck the whole thing in some random corner of his mouth. A couple of Americans who were present could not quite understand what that was about. They suspected it to be some performance-enhancing drug. They wanted to complain. When Stig came, he took his energy drink and left in 20 seconds. It was more like a drink between two heartbeats... than on a break. He knew he needed to catch up.

9. At 10:40, Stig banged into a family... well, a family on a cycle. A man, his wife, and three children were going somewhere on a cycle... when Stig hit them from behind. Apparently, someone in front had pressed his brakes for no reason, and a chain reaction of breaks engulfed the lane... which ended when Stig hit this family. He said, 'am saari'. The family man stayed quiet... while his wife thought the stranger had passed a remark about her saari.

10. At 10:50, the mudguard of Tuka's cycle came off and started rubbing against the front tyre. Repair time! Tuka managed another 20 metres before he stopped at the Bittu Pincher Wala. Well well... the leadership changed hands again. Stig passed Tuka without noticing the events at the repair shop. A point to note—this shop was 3 km away from the finish line.

11. As soon as Tuka got the necessary repairs done, he restarted at full throttle. The only thing was... he didn't know where Stig was. At the same time, even Stig did not know where Tuka was. But we knew where they were. Stig was a km away from the finish, and Tuka was a km away from Stig. 

At that point, 11:15 a.m., Stig seemed to be the clear favourite. Standing at the finish line, just outside the ApC premises, Americans were extremely pleased on sighting Stig a couple of hundred metres away.

The Indian contingent had already started abusing Tuka; they even planned to fire him.

Anyways, just 50 metres were left... and Stig could be clearly seen in the left-most lane. The whole of his right was occupied by a truck and a tractor, moving exactly at the same speed, blocking the whole traffic.
.
.
40 metres...
.
.
30 metres...
.
.
20
.
.
10
.
.
.
.
.
.
Finish!!!
0
...and we had a winner - Tukaram Janjeera - representing the Indian ApC.

Wait... err... how come?

Thankfully, Jayantilaal clicked just at the right time... for you readers! We've highlighted Tukaram in the pic.

Damn! He was holding onto the tractor that had just overtaken Stig... and so he won... making the Indian ApC proud... and the American ApC clueless!

What an event... what a finish!
:o
~~Cameraman Jayantilaal ke saath, Cheepad Kumar~~











-----------------------------------------------END-------------------------------------------------

14 June, 2010

Just One Peg Please

The Pee-paa-k family was a wealthy one. They owned a highly fertile land in some obscure village of Haryana. Moreover, in addition to being known for their land earnings, the family was regarded for having the most unique surname around. The only problem, if ever there was one, was the fact that they were uneducated.

It was because of this lack of education that the father accidentally named his kid 'Peg'. He had been fond of foreign names. And when this child was born, he approached one of the tourists for getting a suggestion on... an English name, maybe! The tourist, in complete apathy and inebriation, said 'Peg' and walked away. The father liked the sound... and thus, we have a Mr. Peg Pee-paa-k—the central character of this story.

Now then! Peg, unlike his father, completed his city education and with good grades. With the exception to his name, he was a decent fellow on all counts. Peg could manage a job in the city, but he chose to go back to his village. He wanted to teach. He wanted to teach the adults... so that they could make something better of their lives. Who knows... maybe Peg did not want another case of such stupidity in naming a child.

He advertised his 'classes' for a number of days. The age limit for eligibility was +35. I clearly remember it was the first day of school and three students turned up. Here's a description on the students and their first classroom words:
  • Lakkad Singh (Carpenter, 36) - Waah waah... furniture kitna achcha hai class mein...
  • Subjee Singh (Vegetable Seller, 40) - Class ke baad yaha maal bech lunga thoda...
  • Dhishoom Singh (Wannabe Local Goon, 34) - Koi aunty nahi aayi?
Peg welcomed his students before introducing himself. Although he was disappointed by the turnout, he was kind of happy to at least make a start. He was even amused to find them sharing the same last name... 'still, much better than mine', he thought.

He began his first session with some basic sounds and pronunciations. His students fared well in their pretest... except the fact that none of them could pronounce the name of their teacher. The best, actually the worst, they could manage was a subtle... Pig Sir...

An hour that day and the school was over. 'Slow and easy to start', thought Peg. His day was okay... except for some bullies from Dhishoom and a gross manifestation of his name.

The plan for the next day was A-B-C-D. Peg educated his students about the importance of A-Z and how it formed the base of the English language. His students seemed to agree with him. Peg instructed the students to repeat after him... and expected them to memorize simultaneously. The students nodded.

Peg began...

A for Apple (Students, chorus: Aeee faaar Ayappal)...
B for Boy (Chorus: Bhee faar byee)...
C for Cat (Chorus: Seee faar Kate)...
D...
E...
F for Fish (Chorus: Effh faar Pheashhh)...

...until Peg wondered, 'do they even know what these things are?'

He asked if the students knew the items in the A-B-C-D. The students nodded in unison. Although impressed, Peg still decided to take a mini test. What is fish? Fish kya hoti hai?

Here's what the students said:
  • Lakkad - Lakdi banane ki FEES...
  • Subjee - oFFIS ke bahar sabji bechta hoon mai...
  • Dhishoom - kele pe ladki FEESliiii...
Ahhh, said Peg. He was happy he enquired in time. 'It wouldn't work this way; they don't know anything.'

Peg thought of two options... (a), he continues the usual way, explaining the meanings on the way... or (b), he uses words that are known to his students. A minute later, Peg thought of a third option - (c), he'd explain the sound and ask them to come up with words. C, he finalized.

Peg explained how the sound system worked and gave them some examples. Next, he informed them of the assignment—he would say the alphabet along with its sound, and his students were to give him words from their personal dictionaries.

Can you guess what happened next? Well, next, we had three amazingly absurd versions of the alphabet. I say absurd, but I know they were the most relevant ones for the people in question. Take a look below. This comes to you direct from the students.

(Note: These are samples... the complete list is right at the end of the post... for reference.)

Carpenter Lakkad Singh's responses included...
A for Aari...
B for Baksa...
...
D for Dehaadi...
...
G for Gutkaa
H for Hathoda...
...
N for Namastey Ji...
O for Ozaar...
P for Paechkas...
...
Peg had to control himself big time. He could not stop laughing the first minute but was in awe of Lakkad Singh the second. It was brilliant. Lakkad had grasped the sounds so well that he actually managed to create something that can be termed as 'Alphabet for Carpenters'. Peg was very happy; he had a bright student. Next, he turned to Subjee Singh.

Veg seller Subjee Singh's responses included...
A for Aaloo...
B for Beans...
...
D for Do Kilo...
...
H for Hari Sabzee...
O for O Madame Ji...
...
Q for Qaraari Moolii
S for Sabzeeeeee Layyyyy Lowwwwww....
...
Y for Yashomati, Humree Biwiii...
...

Whoa! Subjee Singh had stunned Peg. He not only caught the correct sounds but also the perfect words... most of them. 'This is brilliant.' Peg was equally impressed with his second student. He had realized he was teaching a class of at least 2/3rd brilliant guys. To be honest, he did not expect much from the last student... but the last student's turn it was.

Wannabe goon Dhishoom Singh's responses included...
A for Aawara...
B for Bhai...
C for Chiknaa...
D for Don...
...
K for Kutte Kamine...
O for O O Jaane Jaana...
...
S for Supaari
...
X for XXX Filam...
Y for Yawn Shoshan...
...

Brilliant were all the three students. They just needed some education on the sound system... and within half an hour, the class was able to produce three new sets of the English alphabet.

It was the day learning had taken place... more in Peg than the students. He went home and reflected on the day. Something terrific had happened. Peg realized that:
  • Not getting the right 'start' does not make anyone less smart... people often learn more in real life than in classes.
  • Education, with relevance, is much more fun and retention oriented. People he thought to be uneducated came up with stuff he couldn't dream of. Only because they spoke of the stuff they could relate to... given the total comfort zone!
  • Education is necessary for all, adults and children. After all, only an education-seeking wannabe goon would say 'H for Hey Bhagwaan and not Hathiyaar'.
That does look like the end of the story, but it isn't!

The classes went fine and the school gained mileage... and Peg did manage to teach a lot of adults. They made good use of the learning they gained from the village adult school @ Pig Sir.

Peg, just like his father, had become a notable public figure. He was loved by villagers... so much so that two of his first three pupils named at least one of their kids... in utter respect for the teacher... PEG!

------------------------------------------THE END------------------------------------------------------

Reference: Only for those interested in the complete set of alphabets produced by the students...

                                                                              Keep Learning!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
About the Post

Team This post was published by me as a team member of The Wordsworth Legions for the SUPER 5 round of Bloggers Premier League (BPL) – The first ever unique, elite team blogging event of blog world - hosted by GingerChai.com.

The topic (category - humor) I had been assigned was 'A Humoros Post on Adult Education'.




GingerChai.com - Bloggers Premier League...and this post won the 1st prize in the category mentioned above!!

:)

11 June, 2010

kanKaal Center

The Bank of JoJoPePe opened its branch in the Chaknur village, somehwere in Haryana. Surprisingly, the bank, though low-staffed, had call center services as well. The number to their call center was advertised all over. This seems to be the story on papers. However, in reality, there was no call center. The telephone number reached the personal desk of the Branch Manager.

This concept of call center was just to lure customers. If somone did call the telephone number, a human intervention was considered divine. That's because all that existed on that number was a machine that would only irritate the callers.

Mummu, one of the bank's customers, is seen here calling the call center. He wants to ask for a new chequebook.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tring Tring... Tring Tring... Tring Tring... Tring Tring... Tring Tring... Tring Tring... Tring Tring... Tring Tring... Tring Tring...

The phone is picked and put on hold. There is some music playing in the background. Mummu doesn't know he'll have to listen to this music for the next 15 minutes. Moreover, after every 2 minutes, he hears this - (in the Vodafone tune) Youuuuuu and aiiiiiii, in this Chaknur village..... Youuuuuu and aiiiiiii, in this Chaknur village.....

After 15 minutes

Welcome to the JoJoPePe Bank. To continue in English, press 1. For Hindi, press 2. For any other language, please get someone who understands Hindi or English.

'1'


English. If you are an existing customer, press 1. If you don't exist anymore, press 2.

'1'


For bank account, press 1. For credit card, although we don't deal in credit cards, still, press 2.

'1'


For knowing the balance, press 1. For requesting a new chequebook, press 2. For closing the account, press 3. For closing the bank, press 4. For hanging up the call, press 5 and hang up.

'2'


Why do you want a new chequebook? For 'old chequebook finished', press 1. For 'old chequebook lost', press 2. For 'old chequebook stolen', press 3. For 'old chequebook burnt', press 4. For 'old chequebook bhow bhow eaten', press 5.

'1'


Where did you use all the cheques? For business purposes, press 1. For personal purposes, press 2.

'1'


What kind of business are you into? For kheti-baadi, press 1. For factory, press 2. For chowkidaar, press 3. For others, press some other number.

'2'


Does your factory emit gases? For yes, press 1. For no, press 2.

'1' (By this time, Mummu is getting real pissed)


(Music plays in between - Youuuuuu and aiiiiiii, in this Chaknur village..... Youuuuuu and aiiiiiii, in this Chaknur village...)


What did you have for lunch? For roti sabji dal, press 1. For roti sabji minus dal, press 2. For chaval dal, press 3.

'8' (Mummu, in anger, presses 8 to see what happens)


Sorry. We know they don't have Pizzas here. It was not an option. Please choose from 1, 2, or 3.

'1' (Mummu wants to kill someone now)

.
.
.
.
.
.
Ok, coming back to the point, you want a new chequebook? For yes, press 1. For no, press 2.

'1' (Mummu is happier now)


Do you know that our bank is the only bank that has bank at the bank of river? For yes, press 1. For no, press 2.

'1' (Half an hour has passed and Mummu has started abusing the machine)


Do you promise to make good use of the chequebook? For yes, press 1. For no, press 2.

'1' (Now, the default patience limit of half an hour has passed, and the machine decides it's time for humans.)


In case you wish to speak to our customer care officer, press 9.

'9' (Mummu decides he will rip apart the officer and the bank for all this)


Our phone officers are busy at the moment; please wait.

'9' (Mummu waits for 15 minutes... listening to lousy classical music.... and presses 9 again... in disgust)

Okay, as you wish. You have been put at the end of the queue. Please wait.
(Mummu curses himself... and waits for another half an hour. Finally, the Branch Manager picks up the phone. It's time he gave his customer some service.)

Manager: Good afternoon. Welcome to JoJoPePe Bank. How can I help you?

Mummu: I think you are a fuckin... (pauses) ummm... I need a chequebook.

Manager: Sure sir. Please visit the bank branch for the same. You will get a chequebook request form. On the form, there will be a unique reference code. You need to call back with that unique reference code. Thanks. Have a good day (hangs up).

Three days later, Mummu's chequebook is delivered to the Chaknur jail.

31 May, 2010

Penning the Love

Dear Diary

Love is of course there. But, we share a great physical relationship. On every single visit, he leaves marks all over my body. And on every next visit, I am blank... waiting for his love to fill me again.

Some might say it's not wise to get involved everyday. I don't buy that. I love every minute of it. Infact, I was born for him to do that to me.

The curves on his cylinderical body turn me on. However, in reality, I don't do anything. I stay still while he does what he does best. That's our way. Oooo!

Often, we take a break... and that's the time he lies on me. Ah! God knows how much I love it. I could spend my whole life that way. God even knows how I keep asking for more and more time with him.

I clearly remember the first time we met. I was new in the neighbourhood, and I presumed he had been there for quite some time. He came to me on the second day of my 'new address'. He took off his cap and made immediate contact with me. That day onward, he comes everyday. That day onward, I wait everyday.

And everyday, I feel him all over my body... from left to right... left to right... left to right... left to right... while he moves from top to bottom.... top to bottom... over and over again.

I sometimes wonder, what is the end of this story? Are we going to be like this always? All physical and no talks! But then, I also wonder why I didn't know him earlier. Had we been in the same class, we would have spoken much more. Moreover, I am damn sure we would have been quite together in many tests in the class—after all, P is not that far away from N!

It's night and I should sleep now. Tomorrow's another day... with my darling.

Notebook
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That was a diary entry from Notebook. She loves the pen that works on her during days... and she thinks about him at nights.

Below is the diary entry from Pen... for the same day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Diary

Bored of these females now. Pad, File, Paper, Notebook... go away and get lost!

Hoping to get introduced to a new girl... What about Sheets? (wink) :)

Pen

18 May, 2010

Daughtered and Slaughtered

I don't remember my parents. I mean, the biological parents. As long as my memory takes me, I have always been with the couple who adopted me... so, they became my parents by default.

Because they have been my parents, I am in a bigger shock for what they did to me. Was that because I'm a female? Yes, I am a female... and in India, females have not enjoyed a lot of freedom since the beginning. I know the times are changing... and I am sure there will be perfect parity some years from now. I hope.

Coming back to my story. My parents asked me to sleep with a stranger! What kind of parents would do that to their child? Even though I may have been adopted; still, who does that kind of shit?

So, I did as I was asked. Did I have any choice? This guy totally overpowered me for I don't know how long. When the thing was done, he went his way and I went home. God knows what deal he'd struck with my mommie daddie. You know what followed next? Don't you? I was expecting soon after! No marriage no nothing... and I was expecting. I wouldn't raise a voice... because I couldn't. They were my parents.

Anyway, I clearly remember it to be January when I delivered twins—a cute male and an unfortunate (as I realize the status of females in here) opposite gender. Okay... so, I didn't know. Seriously, what could I do with the kids? Who and where was their daddy?

But the love for the twins proved overwhelming! I started enjoying their company, but it turned out to be temporary. A month later, my parents gave away my son... to god knows who. I kept crying, but they hardly noticed the tears.

Just because I was adopted and given a home... did not mean I could be subjected to all that! Do you think they are humans? I think otherwise.

Ignoring the pathetic parents, all I am left with is my lovely daughter. Now, I just hope they don't take her away.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Written by a female doggie who's badly missing her male pup... and wondering what her owner got out of sending him away... and how come the female stays back in this anti-female place...

"You love your kids like hell... and sell ours... I ask why..."

16 April, 2010

I'm Embarassed

Like in the previous post, I still don't have a new story to tell. There are three ideas in the making, and one of them should be out very soon. It almost feels like I am talking about the release of my next film. Anyways...

So, for this time, I am going to continue with the 'personal' label. I feel like talking about some of my most embarassing moments. Although there is a huge list... I am interested in talking about four. Why's that? Because you don't have time to read many.

1. This happened a year ago. Let me give you a brief first. I am a flexible person... with multiple personalities... and friends at completely different ends of the society.

I could speak hi-fi stuff with a sophisticated person... and replicate the ease in my conversations with Gujjar boys.

So... one day, one of my friends, a Gujjar boy, almost at the stroke of a new relationship (girlfriend), asked me to send some romantic hindi one liners to him on SMS.

I wrote some cheap off-the-shelf stuff and sent the message... but not to him... but to my client. HUGE MISTAKE!

The client was a female... and my message read stuff like:

"Mai pagal ho gaya hoon tumhare liye... aur tum ab tak deewani bhi na ho paai?"
"Tumhari aankhen mei khud ko mai sundar dikhta hoon... vaise badsurat"

Grrr... I am getting embarassed even while writing this. haha. I wonder what she thought of me... coz the messages didn't even look like ones I'd send my gf.

2. This is again a year ago. I was quitting my ex organization and during the farewell speech, I said some stuff that could only be misconstrued.

At a particular point, what I intended to say something like "... it does not attract me to... blah blah blah..."

The exact terms I ended up using were "... it does not arouse my thing to..."

Yuck yuck.

3. This incident is purely out of laziness. I was in class 6th or 7th. The recess usually got followed by Games period on one of the fortunate days. We had a separate uniform for games (PT), which we used to change into during recess.

I remember the class was empty... people had left for games. I was yet to change... and in total insanity... I took off my shorts right there in the classroom. I mean I was quite confident about maintaining privacy. But, as you can guess, it was not to be.

Right at the moment I dropped my shorts, two girls entered! Holy shit. I sat on my chair—put my bag on my lap—and let the shorts remain on ground—all in a second. Shit! Shit ! Shit!

The girls knew what was happening... but walked off soon... thank you R and S!

4. We (family) were going somewhere... and putting stuff in the car - a precursor to usual Punjabi family outings.

In a moment of I dont know what... Instead of saying "Isko gaadi ki dikky mei rakh do"... I said "Isko gaadi ki dick mei rakh do".

Dad was the at the other end of the conversation.

Copyright Disclaimer

All the pictures and contents on Dusht-ka-Drishtikone are protected by Copyright Law and should not be reproduced, published or displayed without the explicit prior written permission from the author of the blog, Kshitij Khurana.