Happy to You

I have this crazy observation. It's related to the time people are wished on their birthdays. As per my observation - "The point of time when a person receives his/her first set of birthday wishes keeps changing. Moreover, this 'time' is proportionate to the age of this person."

Now, let me try to explain. I am 100% sure I will make 0% sense to you, but I want to try. PS: This is for an Indian male only.

I am taking example of this guy Agyaan who was born on 12th November. Here are my observations on his life:

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• Agyaan's 10th birthday - His first wishes (actually semi-wishes) arrive on 9th November (three days before the birthday) itself. His mom dad tell him, "Beta ji, aapka toh birthday aa raha hai. Kya gift chahiye hamare laal ko?"

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• Agyaan's 15th birthday - His first wishes arrive on 11th November at 10 PM. Mom says, "Kal toh birthday hai janab ka... arrey nahi... abhi bas do ghanto mei hi hai."

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• Agyaan's 20th birthday - His first wishes arrive on 11th November at 11:58 PM. His friend Jigya calls him on the phone. She says, "Yo. I wanted to be the first one to wish... so I called before anyone else could."

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• Agyaan's 25th birthday - His first wishes arrive on 12th November at 12:30 AM. His friend Geeta calls him on his phone. She says, "Hey, I thought everyone would be calling you at 12. So, I thought I'd call a little later."

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• Agyaan's 30th birthday - His first wishes arrive on 12th November at 8 AM. His friend Beena calls him up on his phone. Beena and all other Agyaan's friends think it's not the age anymore to call at 12 AM on birthdays.

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• Agyaan's 40th birthday - His first wishes arrive on 12th November at 7 PM. His wife Sujata completely forgot about her hubby's birthday. She says, "Happy birthday ji. I am sorry I forgot. Let's go out for dinner."

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• Agyaan's 50th birthday - His first wishes arrive on 13th November 2:00 PM. His wife Sujata calls him on his office phone. She says, "Aji.. I am sorry. Kal toh aapka birthday tha. Aapne bataya kyo nahi. Abhi maine newspaper mei date dekhi toh yaad aaya."

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• Agyaan's 60th birthday - His first wishes arrive on 29th November at 11:00 AM. His wife Sujata wishes him. She says. "Abhi mahine ka akhbaar ka bill aaya toh yaad aaya iss mahine toh aapka birthday tha. He he he, aap bhi bhool gaye the na?"

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• Agyaan's 70 birthday - No wishes.

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So, as I noticed, the time for wishes keeps changing. And... it has some relation with the age. Now, after I have made no sense at all, I request you to forgive and forget. I will come up with my humor story to make up for this. lol.

Ambulance Turbulence

Hi, I am calling from 245, Punchmeal Park, near the Round gol chakkar. This is emergency; my brother has a lot of pain in the chest. We suspect it's a heart attack. Please come over quickly. (Hangs up)
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Mr. Gilgit had a mild heart attack! Strong or mild, a heart attack is a heart attack. The ambulance has reached in time and Mr. Gilgit is being rushed. I suspect he'll be okay. But who cares what I suspect. Alright, the status check tells me the hospital is about 12 kms away, and they might encounter some traffic.

At the same time, there are atleast 2 drivers on the MG road who are sick of this traffic... this life... they just want to end this daily piece of torture... but, as a matter of fact... that's what they think everyday, in traffic. Don't worry. They're harmless, just irritated souls.

Soon, there is a wooooooooooooooo woooooooooooooo wooooooooooo woooooooooo whooooooooooo on the MG road. The traffic makes way for the ambulance to pass. Most of the drivers giving way have this happy feeling—they think they did their share for the humanity.

At the same time, those 2 pissed-off drivers I told you about see an opportunity. They want to follow the ambulance like it's shadow. You know, people will give way to the ambulance and these gentlemen, too, will be able to scramble through easily. Isn't it normal? Well, that's quite normal on Delhi roads. Where there's an ambulance, there are multiple people behind it immeditely.

Coming back to the situation. These 2 drivers chase the ambulance. A split second saves them from crashing into each other. But, who wants to give up? Who wants his ego hurt? So, they are both trying to throw each other off the ambulance's trail. Stiff competition I must say. Nasty stares and nastier abuses. This is huge. They act as if they both have a relative inside that woooooooo van. And the one who manages to stay closer to the ambulance; his relative survives.

Let's now add to the situation. I see a 3rd car attempting to do what the 1st and the 2nd are doing. Let's say the 3rd driver cherishes the spot behind the ambulance equally.

Status check, 3 kms to the hospital and the ambulance is being dearly chased by 3 cars... rest of the traffic giving way to the ambulance... and feeling good about it.

Continuing with the tussle saga, apparently, one of the first two drivers has claimed the real estate behind the van, while the other is still trying hard, while the third (new entrant) is struggling to match pace. Meanwhile, Mr Gilgit is feeling better, unaware of the things his state caused... rather, causing.

Status check:
Car 1 - Ha ha ha. Take that you piece of shit. Now, you must follow your daddy, me.
Car 2 - Fuck... I really need to beat this a$$ h*** now.
Car 3 - I need to be quick. I wish these guys moved away.
Ambulance Driver (singing with the radio) - Bidi jalai le....
Mr. Gilgit - O God, will I survive? Forgive me for my sins, if any.
Car 4, 5 and 6 (random cars nearby) - O god, please bless the patient. look at these f%$^ chasing the ambulance.
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Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeechhhhhhh... booooooooooom... thuddddddddddddddd... bhadhaaaaaam.... dhadhaaaaam...

Cars 1 and 2 have collided. Car 3 has crashed into car 2. Car 4 has gone into car 3. Car 5 has just managed to save itself from the mess. Car 7 (another random car) is being driven by a psycho who's extremely happy at the sight of a live accident. Cars 8 onwards are keen on watching the follow-up action.

Isn't it obvious what the follow-up action is? My guess is car 1 and 2 will beat the hell out of each other. Car 4 will kick car 3's ass. Something similar happens. Total mess.
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At the hospital... Mr Gilgit has just been admitted. The doctor is looking for Gilgit's family members to fill the admission form.

Noone's around.

They were last seen sitting in car 3, trying to get as close to the ambulance as possible... but unfortunately crashed into another car... and got engulfed in a chain reaction of accidents.

Shit!

Muhavre Time

On special request from someone special, I am putting another quiz. This one is much easier. I have drawn some literal representations of muhavres (Hindi proverbs). Try and identify them; have fun.

Please do not look at the comments column before you do your round of guessing; someone may already have answered by the time you visit, and you may lose interest.

1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


6.


7.

8.

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9.

o

10.

11.

12.

That's it! I hope you enjoyed.

Type KLPD and Send to 55*420

There is a contest where you need to SMS the answer to some random 5-digit number to win prizes. Well, you send the SMS... expect a prize... but all you get is a price... anything between Rs. 3 and 5 per SMS. This money you spent is profit for the contest holder. In the time left before you die, you will not get to know who won. Actually, no one won... except for the contest holder.
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Meet Babban Ltd; they sell insurance policies. Their second line of profit-making ventures is to hold SMS contests. Let's look at their strategy for earning through SMSes. Here is what they do in July (PS: Radio is where all this %$@^# happens).
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They start with a normal gk question.
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5th July, 3PM, Radio: Hello listeners. Babban Ltd. presents before you the Mast Mast Jhakaas contest. You need to tell us the capital of Australia. The options are:

- Trinidad and Tobago (A)
- Canberra (B)
- Spain (C)
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Type A/B/C and send you response to 50505. The winner will get a free air tickets from Babban Ltd.
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They did not even bother to describe the place the aeroplane was going to take the winners to. Anyways, so it happens that Babban gets an ok kind of response. Despite a number of correct responses, no one wins. No one was even supposed to.

Now, they want more SMS money. So, 5 days later, they put in a simpler question for the next contest.
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10th July, 4PM, Radio: Hi listeners. The air tickets of previous winners are well on their way. It's time for a new quiz... time for more people to get lucky. Babban Ltd. ka general knowledge of bollywood contest haazir hai. You need to tell us the word that has been replaced in the song by a beep. Here is your song - Chak de, BEEEEEEEP de Indiaaaa.... The options are:

- Chak (A)
- Chaak (B)
- Chaalaak (C)

Type A/B/C and send you response to 50505. Lucky participant will get a free head massage from Babban Ltd.

Ok. They get better response this time. However, still no winners. Who cares.

But, as expected, they want more SMS money now. So, they put in another absurd question. This time the number of responses expected is much higher. This is because in this question, other options may not even make sense.
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18th July, 6PM, Radio: Hello, hi to all the listeners. Hmmm, I am sure the winners of last contest are enjoying the head massage. All those who did not win, here is your chance. Babban Ltd, the great insurers, present to you the Angoolimaal Kaun contest. All you have to do is answer this simple question. Who is the relative of Rajesh Khanna:

- Dimple Kapadia (A)
- Simple Kapadia (B)
- Pimple Kapadia (C)
- Triple Kapadia (D)
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Type A/B/C/D and send you response to 50505. Lucky participant will get free movie tickets from the one and only, Babban Ltd.
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Ridiculous! As expected, people respond in good numbers. Babban makes good money of this deal too. I hate it; really.

Next, the month is drawing close, and as expected, Babban wants more money. Did you realize that in this entire post Babban keeps wanting more money? Their targets have to be met, you see. So, they are ready with the next and last contest for the month.
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25th July, 8PM, Radio: Hey all you lovely listeners. It's time you not only listen to radio but watch TV as well. Here is a contest that will help you win a free TV. The contest is sponsored by Babban Ltd, the only insurance company to have offices in all the 9 continents. All you need to do is answer this question. Which is the only insurance company in the world to have offices in all the 9 continents?

- Chaggan Ltd.
- Baingan Ltd.
- Babban Ltd.
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Type A/B/C and send you response to 50505. Lucky participant will get a TV from Babban Ltd, the only insurance company to have offices in all the 9 continents.
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This has really become disgusting now. People keep SMSing, and their money keeps flowing in. Babban has met its targets; we must be really crazy for that to happen.

Reporting Earthly Matters

Meet Mr. Dadam.

Mr. Dadam's address is - 11th Paradise Bungalow, Angels and Laymens, Opposite Godly Park, Heaven. Absolutely! Mr Dadam resides in heaven.

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You know, every year, god sends some people (fully grown-ups) to earth to perform specific tasks. Dadda, as I would call him here on, was one of the privileged people to have been sent by god to earth this year. Objective of his mission, do good to earthly creatures. A lottery system placed Dadda on a mission to New Delhi, India, Earth.

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He spent three months on the mission, came back, and submitted a report to his boss. I highlight below, some part of Dadda's report.

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a. I was driving near Lajpat Nagar. There were few pedestrians who wanted to cross the road. I stopped the car for them to cross. No one did. They looked at me in disbelief. All they said, "Maarega yeh humko zaroor. Hum chalenge aur yeh gaadi chala dega".

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b. I was standing in a long queue for buying movie tickets. There was a girl behind me. I thought of being nice and asked her to take my place. She got really angry. She stood her ground and said, "So that you stare at my ass? Huh? You pervert".

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c. I made friends with a guy named Pajju. It was his birthday three days later. I called him and wished happy birthday. He wasn't expecting my call. He said, "Yaar, treat shaam ko le liyo please".

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d. A motorcyclist met with an accident. He fell down. I went to pick him up. He looked at me walking towards him. He first checked where his wallet was, and then said, "Aah. Lag gayi".

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e. A car had broken down. I went to help the couple who owned it. The guy looked at me, asked his wife to go back in, and said, "No thanks. Don't need your help".

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f. I bought McDonalds' burgers for slum kids. The kids looked really excited about their to-be feast. Suddenly, a guy, an equal slum dweller, came and shouted at them. He asked them not to eat. He said, "Pata nahi kya milaya hoga isne".
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g. I saw kids begging at the red light. I thought education might change their fate. I taught them English. The police caught me. The charges that were pressed, "Bachcho ko English sikha ke bheekh mangwata hai".
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h. I got out of the jail, somehow. An hour after my exit, I saw a little girl fall down on the road. I picked her, held her by the hand, but then someone shouted. Her parents, they screamed, "Hamari bachchi ko bachao kidnapper se". The police caught me and put me back in. Swoooooosh... I transmitted back to heaven immediately.
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God, my boss, how can I help these people? How can I be nice? They have forgotten about being good. Nothing happened as I expected... except for one thing. There was only one thing that went right. Just one!
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It was a moment when I was feeding some cows. An hour later, a news was flashed on the channels Baaj Tak and Dandiya TV. They said, "Bhagwaan ne bhookhi cows ka pate bharne ke liye apne saathi ko bheja". That was the only time when people interpreted my deed correctly. Sob sob.
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The Proverbial Quiz

Hello namaste. It is finally time! Time to check how proverbial you are. I throw a quiz at you today. It is a picture quiz. There are 12 pics in this post. These aren't lovely pics as such... but just a hand-drawn assemblage. Each of them is the literal representation of a proverb (English). You need to find out which proverb.
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The difficulty level (which obviously gets increased because of my naivety in MSPAINT) for each pic ranges from 1-5... 5 is is the toughest and 1 is the easiest. Let's start.
kk
1. Level 1



2. Level 1



3. Level 2



4. Level 4



5. Level 5 (actually the toughest in here)

6. Level 4



7. Level 5
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8. Level 1


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9. Level 2



10. Level 4



11. Level 2

12. Level 2

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So... How did you do? Please forgive the poor quality pics.

Screwed Mathematically

I hadn't done anything that qualified me for a 20 kg hike in two years. I did not know what happened. People met me and instead of asking me how I was... they asked how I had become what I was. Life sucked. I had to find answers. How did I reach 100 kgs from 80 kgs?

Somewhere in my heart, I knew I had been wronged. Some germs of obesity had missed their target. But, why me?

Then, it struck me that I could utilize that one wish I had been given by god. PS: I had been nice enough to few people so god granted me a raincheck on one wish.

I said, 'God, this is my wish - I want to know how in the hell did I gain so much?'

The god said (in a godly voice of course), 'I can prove it mathematically and pictorially'. I knew there was nothing that could be proved. I still said, 'do it'.

This is exactly what god showed me:

+

+

+

+


over and over and over and over and over again... is always equal to:

God said, 'that was simple; wasn't it?'. He also gave me this pic to put on my blog:

Now I'm thinking, what a fool have I made of myself! Instead of asking god to explain me all this, why couldn't I simply ask for an automatic reduction of those 20 kgs?

KK

Damn! I concentrated only on cribbing... and forgot the situation could easily be resolved.

It Won't Take Us Anywhere

Hello angry people.

Tonight, I am going to talk about something we confront everyday - the growing aggression in us. Yes, I am talking about all of us who don't care to discuss or sort out... but prefer to get physical when our cars kiss/hit each other. Yes, I am talking about us who tell each other about their moms and sisters all the time. I am talking about the growing madness in all of us.

If you can read this, you will have a good day.

This is the year 2041. I have grown really old. Here I am... in a commercial complex... buying some groceries. I see people fighting over parking. I see the parking board and it reminds me of something... an old story.

If you can read this, you will have a good day.

You know, there used to be a house right where this complex is. The board that was on its gate in the year 2000:

... and in 2009:

... in 2015:

... in 2020:

..in 2025:

...in 2030:

Well. Unfortunately, it happened that someone did park in front of the gate in 2030. Poor guy; he and his family got killed by the house owner.

If you can read this, you will have a good day.

However, the police caught the house owner and put him behind bars. The owner was sentenced to death. His family died of depression. The house was sealed and confiscated by the Government.

If you can read this, you will have a good day.

Later, in 2040, last year, the house was demolished and this commercial complex was built. The no-parking spot suddenly became the parking spot for the complex. There is a new board:

Damn, people are still fighting... for that parking!

If you can read this, you will have a good day.

Well... I really want to warn all of us... this aggression will not take us anywhere. Let's have some patience... Let's be nice! We have already lost enough. How I wish all this stopped in and around 2009.

See Wee

A lot of times we hear about beggars who make it big just by begging. I think that industry is on a roll. I want to assume that there are people/organizations who run that industry.

Let's say one such organization is Unbathed Limited. This organization is on a hiring spree. The prospective beggars see a good opportunity here.

Now, let's take a look at the cv of one such candidate who's applied at Unbathed:
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Name: Haboo Khutri

Current Designation: Senior Beggar at Rimjhim Chowk

Objective: I am looking for a red light that cares for me, understands my strengths, and gives me opportunities to improve my legerdemain. I want to go deep into the business of red-light area.

Total Experience: 2710 day hours. 1200 night hours.

Skills: Disguising, Becoming handicapped (one arm illusion only), Contorting facial assets, Tearing clothes just at the right places, Targetting the right kind of vehicles and people.

Projects Handled: Here is a brief account of the projects:
a. Jhampu Gali: I handled the entire stretch single-handedly for almost a month. The key tasks involved targetting aunties.
b. Pesha Colony: I acted as a mindless, bodyless person for 3 months.
c. Ghoo block: I carried a dummy 1 year old baby doll and lured people into sympathy for the child.
d. Boku vihar: I sat on the sidewalk during the days and slept at the same spot at nights. That was like an SBB (Spot Booked by Beggar) junction.
e. kaiko sarai: I purely asked... no disguise visguise.
f. Ghanghorpur: I stayed quiet and asked. There was a lot of grease on my face... could not open mouth to ask.

In all the above projects, I earned approximately .95 rupees per signal. This also means that I qualify for the BAI (Beggar Acceptability Index).

Academics: Studied BCOM for graduation. I am an MBA in finance.

Hobbies: In my free time I like to rest. At work, I do my best.
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What say? Will he get the jaab?

Gajjodhar's First Complaint

How cool we are.

Today, I bring to you the story of a guy, Gajodhar, who spent an hour on orkut immediately after marriage. He had to remain updated you see. People in the world would die if they didn't get to know about his marriage... his marital status.

So, what exactly did he do? Here are the chronicles of the changes that happened in that crucial hour:

a. About Me: Changed from 'I am a fun loving guy, love to be with frands... luv 2 make new frands... I am cool, and that's why I am. Wanna keep in touch, I don't care much.. ya ya, I am the cool dood with attitude'
to
'I am a simple, honest person. I love eating.'

b. Relationship Status: Changed from 'Single - waiting for the right person'
to
'Marrid'

c. Sports: Changed from 'Ah! Anything I can play. As long as I enjoy - wanna challenge me in any game? Warning: Am up for it. Dont camplain when you lose'
to
'Cricket'

d. Passions: Changed from 'Biking, gals, glares, rafting, anything that's supercool, just like mee you see'
to
'I love reading.'

e. Books: Changed from 'Chacha Chowdhury... actually I dont read much'
to
'The monk who sold something'

f. Music: Changed from 'Ooooo, i love moozic...rock n roll... hipp hoppa, jazzy... m a music maniac... give me anything and i can dance... your words are music to ma ears!'
to
'Lucky Ali and Shankar Mahadevan. They are really grate.'

g. TV Shows: Changed from 'Gimme a brake from that saasbahu crap. I love AXN action stuff'
to
'Mahabharat'

h. Cuisines: Changed from 'I have one cousin only'
to
'Chinese'

i. Career Skills: Changed from 'I am smooth talker... can sell you a sold item'
to
'Sales'

j. Ideal Match: Changed from 'Some1 who understands me - loves to be adventurus... caring...lovely... beauti! O Gawd, where are you?'
to
'Neha'

k. First Thing You Will Notice About Me: Changed from 'My attitude - cool dude. I am the lie in the truth, the white in the black... darkness in light... and am out of your sight'
to
'My smile'

l. Turn Offs: Changed from 'Tharkis.... any uncool stuff'
to
'Bad breadth'

m. My Idea of a Perfect First Date: Changed from 'A candle light, hand in hand, right at the beach... followed by wine... and a meal of swine... and after that, :)!'
to
'A movie + lunch'

n. From my Past Relationships i Learned: Changed from 'Shit happens... but thats ok - be a man and move on'
to
'No past relationship.'

o. Five Things I can Live Without: Changed from 'Gals, Bikes, Money, Mobile, Moozic'
to
'Food, water, air, family, friends'
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Post this, Gajjodhar greets his bride good morning.... and complains about her Orkut profile being too jazzy and college-like... inaugurating the married life!
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